Post by Rolo on Mar 4, 2009 17:07:04 GMT -5
Hey there ^^ Well written bio, but I have some issues with his history. I thought that I would point them out to you so you could change them in order to increase his chance of becoming leader.
The timeline for your history seems very... well, it's not easy to follow the timeline of it. This is partly because you've overestimated how long it took for the old Forestclan cats and other cats to find a place to live. If he joined together with the cats travelling from Forestclan at 7 moons, and he's 35 now, they would have to have been traveling for 24-28 moons... which is too much. The clans have only been around for about 3-4 moons, you see. He either needs to be older and join the clan much later or you need to make his age much much younger.
Also, if they joined the clan at 7 moons, they would have automatically become apprentices as 6 moons is the time at which the kits start training.
The thing about finding a nest of voles... I suggest taking that out. Voles aren't group creatures, so you're likely only to find one vole in each nest (perhaps with babies) so it doesn't make much sense to mention it as it wouldn't really have fed the clan.
which then lead to the discovery of a large fox family on the border between Streamclan and Pineclan. <--- Foxes are solitary creatures, they do not live together unless it is the mating season. There can be up to 13 cubs, but it's unlikely that they would all survive, and if there was anything near that many even 2 clans definitely could not have driven them out. Really, the clans as they are now would only have had enough cats to drive out about 2 old foxes and 2 young foxes. By the time that the cubs are big enough to pose a great threat to the cats, likelihood is they would have already moved away, so there isn't a massive issue. You could say that the foxes were taking more prey and the occational cat for their new family so they felt the need to drive them away.
As both the leader and deputy were extremely ill, Paleheart was asked to guide the clan and did so. <--- Why did he get chosen?
He served as a deputy for three moons before the (then) leader lost his last life to a disease his elderly body could not fight off. <--- That doesn't make any sense...
The clans were only created as they are now about 3-4 moons ago, and before then when they were travelling they were still ex-Forestclan cats. The leaders of the clans were made at the time the 4 clans were formed when the clans settled down, so the leader would have been given his 9 lives 3-4 moons ago. Whatever way you look at it, not enough time has passed for a leader to lose 9 of those lives.
You need to completely revise the way he became leader, perhaps making him the first leader of the clan.
Edit: Oh... and you need to tone down his colouring to call him Pale. Blue-grey isn't really pale enough for that prefix.
The timeline for your history seems very... well, it's not easy to follow the timeline of it. This is partly because you've overestimated how long it took for the old Forestclan cats and other cats to find a place to live. If he joined together with the cats travelling from Forestclan at 7 moons, and he's 35 now, they would have to have been traveling for 24-28 moons... which is too much. The clans have only been around for about 3-4 moons, you see. He either needs to be older and join the clan much later or you need to make his age much much younger.
Also, if they joined the clan at 7 moons, they would have automatically become apprentices as 6 moons is the time at which the kits start training.
The thing about finding a nest of voles... I suggest taking that out. Voles aren't group creatures, so you're likely only to find one vole in each nest (perhaps with babies) so it doesn't make much sense to mention it as it wouldn't really have fed the clan.
which then lead to the discovery of a large fox family on the border between Streamclan and Pineclan. <--- Foxes are solitary creatures, they do not live together unless it is the mating season. There can be up to 13 cubs, but it's unlikely that they would all survive, and if there was anything near that many even 2 clans definitely could not have driven them out. Really, the clans as they are now would only have had enough cats to drive out about 2 old foxes and 2 young foxes. By the time that the cubs are big enough to pose a great threat to the cats, likelihood is they would have already moved away, so there isn't a massive issue. You could say that the foxes were taking more prey and the occational cat for their new family so they felt the need to drive them away.
As both the leader and deputy were extremely ill, Paleheart was asked to guide the clan and did so. <--- Why did he get chosen?
He served as a deputy for three moons before the (then) leader lost his last life to a disease his elderly body could not fight off. <--- That doesn't make any sense...
The clans were only created as they are now about 3-4 moons ago, and before then when they were travelling they were still ex-Forestclan cats. The leaders of the clans were made at the time the 4 clans were formed when the clans settled down, so the leader would have been given his 9 lives 3-4 moons ago. Whatever way you look at it, not enough time has passed for a leader to lose 9 of those lives.
You need to completely revise the way he became leader, perhaps making him the first leader of the clan.
Edit: Oh... and you need to tone down his colouring to call him Pale. Blue-grey isn't really pale enough for that prefix.
We have a cbox again and we're opening the place up as a closed, members only rp