Kiro// Just started

[solo]

Thanks for the critique guys. Hopefully once I get a bit more wiritng experience I can make a kitty. :3

[Ten]

"His name is Kuen."
--
o.o? How do you figure that?


"You ask yourself what's wrong with me."
--
The only thing I'm asking myself is why you think it's acceptable to write like that.


"But, There is nothing wrong with me" <-- endmark and lowercase?


"I used to be normal back then. Sane."
--
She says there's nothing wrong with her, then implies she's crazy?
Insane people don't know they're insane.


"I could not sleep
No one else could see him" <-- endmarks?
--
She had to sleep at some point or she'd be dead.


"There is nothing wrong with me" <-- lowercase and endmark?


"Kuen tells me not to believe."
--
Well then. Doesn't that defeat the point?


"Kuen told me so" <-- endmark


"Please I am begging you." <-- needs a comma after please
--
This is why first person doesn't work for bios.
You can't have complete, objective information.


"It was pure white," <-- comma splice


"it was even more beautiful," <-- comma splice
--
Is she big-headed, or a mary sue?


"She does not know the different" <-- difference


"She's locked in her own world of discomfort, isolated from the rest of the world."
--
Emo much?


"She sees the odd being she calls 'Kuen'. "
--
That's not personality.


"She believes that this being is real,"
--
Then that's a belief, now isn't it?


"But he restricts Kiro from experiencing natural emotions," <-- comma splice


"as if he was mal-nourished of some sort."
--
Isn't malnourished one word?
And "of some sort" goes with nouns, not adjectives.


"He's torn Kiro's personality"
--
From what I read, she doesn't have one.


"There is nothing wrong with me I had a mother."
--
This is two sentences.

"She was long and lean, she ran very fast." <-- comma splice


"and she used to sing,"
--
Cats can't sing.


"Oh, I miss her. But I, I do not care about her."
--
That's contradictory.


"There was, a path."
--
Why the comma?


"Through their transparent parts you can see their guts, their paws are round and roll." <-- comma splice... and is roll intended as a verb?


"They all hiss as they glide, the twolegs that sit within them are mere shadowy figures as they pass." <-- comma splice


"The rest respected him, and go slow when he was around."
--
You switched verb tense.


"We tried to figure out how they ate, how they went to the bathroom."
--
How they make dirt.


"as long as i do" <-- capitalize I.


"We went all through the forest, it was winter so it was difficult to find food." <-- comma splice


Don't use first person. Please.

[Rolo]

What you already have gives a nice incite into how your character talks but, because of the first person, it is not easy to see the personality that he shows to other cats. To make this better, you could say how she reacts around other cats and how her madness impacts on her life (from an outsider's perspective.)

You need to name the parents and all the siblings and put the tag 'deceased' beside it.

I don't think the 'Love' and 'Kits' section need such long answers. A simple 'no' would suffice, you can mention that she doesn't know what love is and is not allowed to have kits in her personality.

The stuff on 'appearance' is too brief. Appearance is meant to be a guide which describes the whole of her appearance, not just her pelt. Doing a piece in 3rd person of just detailed description is needed.

Your history needs to be completed in 3rd person if Kiro isn't going to speak about his past. We need the whole of his past to see the character development, even if it wasn't rped.