shine on you crazy diamond (whiskers`)

[Emily]

In the subtle, early morning glow, a tiny she-cat made her rounds through the shadowy hollow. Dusty particles wafted through the air, only hidden in the single shaft of light which lined the little den only slightly. Unusually, Bluepaw was not so particularly busy that morning, so the only thing she really could do within the perimeters of her beloved home (the medicine den), was scuttle about and tidy up. She spent her time there in paused silence, recollecting her scattered thoughts - licking her lips slowly as if it would dramatize her contemplation.

During the Medicine Cat Meeting, a most uneventful situation had popped up. For some reason, Frostpaw had been provoked to make an appearance, and both she-cat's had sized each other up and challenged one another with no apparent dis-ease. The thing which had scared (and made her quite sullen the past week) her the most, was how attached-at-the-hip, Frostpaw and Finchpaw were. Finchpaw himself had made it clear that he wanted little business with Bluepaw at the time and appeared extremely uncomfortable; he and Frostpaw however, had left together with somewhat of a tighter bond.

Bluepaw shuffled her paws, sighing with discontent. Things would only get worse and worse, harder and harder it seemed - life would never work out right would it? Of course there were little hiccups to rid of, and curves and bumps to avoid, to get through, but no matter how much Bluepaw expected it to be, there was always one huge lump in her throat preventing her from breathing properly. It just didn't seem fair. It never did to be honest.

The blue-furred feline trailed through the den, her paws working at the ground helplessly, and her tail drooping as reality struck her. She was a medicine cat, and there would be no such thing as love, nor kits. Every medicine cat was taught that and warned, but at the time, Bluepaw never really thought she'd be one of those cats to find love or the patience to let it blossom. Finchpaw had somehow broken that for her, and the complications were getting trickier.

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[Whiskers]

Finchpaw weaved his way through the territory of Streamclan with much unease. When Brightnose had discovered the lack of watermint in their supply, he had no idea that would entail him trekking across the soggy soil of an enemy clan. He kept imagining what he would do if a patrol stumbled his way and he wondered if he would really be immune from any attacks. He should be; being medicine cat apprentice of Fogclan had its perks and crossing through territory to visit fellow medicine cats was one of them. But who knew if any cats would listen to him. He could easily get thrown out with a few scratches "to remember them by."

But watermint was very important and Brightnose had pressed upon the issue of going to Streamclan to get it-- though Finchpaw specifically remembered a spot where he had found watermint last. He was suspicious of his mentor's real intentions and figured it was to make amends because of the last half-moon meeting. Finchpaw did remember the tension of the night but didn't think there was any bad air between Streamclan and Fogclan. After all, he was wonderful friends with Bluepaw and thought quite highly of her and all her talents. So what did he need to apologize for? He knew that that's what Brightnose was implying, when she stared him hard in the eye and commanded him to go and ask Bluepaw for some herbs. Bluepaw, not Badgernose.

Finchpaw let out a sigh of confusion, wondering what he did wrong, when it happened, and how he could avoid the mistake in the future. The heavy and sudden scent of fresh Streamclan cat, however, shook him free of these thoughts that plagued him. Camp was very near. No, camp was right in front of his paws and lucky him, Finchpaw hadn't run into any patrols on his way. His mood slightly improved, Finchpaw casually entered camp, immediately providing the nearest questioning warrior with a satisfactory answer. I'm here to borrow herbs from Badgernose and Bluepaw.

And then he was in front of the den, contemplating his question again. Why was he really here? He would soon find out.

He entered the den quietly and then smiled as his eyes fell on Bluepaw. Badgernose was out. But the smile quickly changed. She didn't look happy. Wonderful, cheerful, sweet Bluepaw was not cheerful nor sweet. She looked like a mess to be honest.

"Bluepaw?" he asked worridly, stepping closer, wondering if possibly she caught a sickness from a patient. He smelled no sickness on her fur however, only herbs mixed with her natural scent. "I came for herbs but... are you okay?"

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[Emily]

The stiff beam of light scattered and tumbled as soon as another being entered the clustered den, adding to it's grand mass. Hesitantly, Bluepaw lifted her head, already having scented the sweet, sweet (and most distinct) smell of Finchpaw. His own scent was almost intoxicating at a risk: the foggy and peppery smell of his own clan, the sharp mixture of crushed clover, and dock leaves, and the bitter amount of mouse-bile which still clung to his fire coat. It was all quite the aroma which Bluepaw had learned to love, and to recognize under almost any circumstance. After having rotated her head to a full degree, from the corner of her eye she could see Finchpaw, blocking the light and shaking his head with remorse.

He's worrying about me, she thought. The she-cat's tail stuck indignantly upwards as if to warn the Medicine Cat's apprentice that Bluepaw was in no mood to chat. Admitting her awkward feelings towards he and Frostpaw's relationship, and what she had gone through that night seemed the right thing to do, but perhaps she was wrong in doing so? What was Bluepaw thinking. Sure, she liked Finchpaw, maybe even loved, but was it the right thing?

Okay?

The word rolled in her head like a rogue boulder on a rockslide. Finally, Bluepaw decided to turn full way around, her whiskers twitching most visibly and her misty gaze clouded.

"Look, Finchpaw, we need to talk." Bluepaw shifted her position uncomfortably, entirely dismissing his previous request for herbs. This needed to be done with, and there was no better time than now, without anyone to distract her and no one for Finchpaw to scoot together with with his awkwardness. All that Bluepaw really wanted, was Finchpaw's explanation and reply when she finally admitted that she liked him. Most tomcats were extremely oblivious, and Bluepaw would be utterly embarrassed if he'd already realized her crush. "So... about the Medicine Cat Meeting, I was wondering... c-curious about..."

And there, Bluepaw left the poor tomcat hanging.

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[Whiskers]

Finchpaw was no fool; he felt the heavy tension between them, instantaneously appearing as Bluepaw turned around and faced him with hesitant eyes. It was a thick awkwardness, almost solid and very uncomfortable. It settled like a stone in his stomach, and Finchpaw could feel himself sinking, sinking, before this conversation even took place. Something was extremely wrong here and Finchpaw hated how he didn't know what. And he hated how it was with Bluepaw! There had never been such an unfamiliarity between them. Never.

Never.

Finchpaw's whiskers trembled as his thoughts picked up pace and he stared on with confused eyes. He found himself confused and conflicted a lot more lately, only this time he was at a loss for where to start. Brightnose knew something was up so what had he missed? Of course it was his fault. Finchpaw watched as Bluepaw finally turned all the way toward him, and now they were face to face in a cramped den and the smell of herbs was more unpleasent than ever before. It was too strong and sweet and overwhelming and it made his head spin. He needed clarity.

Look, Finchpaw, we need to talk.

Finchpaw made a small movement- a nod, or perhaps he was looking at the ground for the answer. He didn't even know. Then he stared back into Bluepaw's eyes and tried to dissect the emotion.

Medicine cat meeting... wondering... curious...

Nothing more.

Finchpaw flicked his ears back and made a small disparaging noise to himself, terribly lost as his mind wandered back to that night. Frostpaw had been there and had, of course, challenged Bluepaw. It was Frostpaw, probably. About his friendship with her, maybe her influence on him, he was unsure of what exactly but he was very positive in that moment that this was about her. And that made him weirdly upset. After all, he had to deal with that type of talk from his father and his brother and puh-lenty of other cats in the whole of Fogclan. He didn't need it here and from her.

"Is this about Frostpaw?" he went straight to the punch, and really he had no energy for tact and so it wasn't his usual soft-and-calm-all-smiles tone that he used. He just wanted to solve this. Bluepaw would see that and wouldn't get offended, he thought.

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[Emily]

The entire case seemed utterly pointless that moment, and Bluepaw wished nothing more than to take it all back. If she wished not to lose such an ideal friendship as she and Finchpaw’s, then it would simply not be right to admit her initial feelings for him underneath all the charades. Something inside of her pushed it all back, forcing a huge gulp to resound, just audible to the naked ear. The small she-cat’s tail flickered back and forth gently, slowly building up speed into a big, whopping “woosh” from side to side.

“Um, sort of…” Bluepaw murmured in reply, lowering her head in shame. Of course, just like Finchpaw to see right through her. In fact, most people did, but it was easier for the two felines to read each other’s own emotions right through the cover of their pages. Their friendship had always been a proven fact partially from the way they could simply tell when one another was down, happy, excited, whatever the matter.

“So, you and Frostpaw… you seemed really close the other time, and well,” she began, suddenly unable to contain anything any longer, “you’re just so friendly and you seemed to take her side! Why didn’t you stick up for me, or… or even do anything, you just kind of shrunk away from me like I was the mouse-brain there…” Huffing, the she-cat neatly curled her tail around her paws as if it would contain her distress in a little balled fist. Bluepaw’s whiskers twitched irritably (although really, she was just remorseful and upset), and her ears pin-pointed Finchpaw dead-pan.

“I’m sorry if I sound angry with you, I’m not as angry as you’d think… I promise. It just kind of – hurt my feelings and I was wondering why you did that.” Before announcing that she was crushing on the poor, oblivious tomcat, she thought twice, and neatly swiped a paw over her mouth to mask a small giggle. Even in these dire situations Bluepaw was able to emit some laughter, but she’d rather if Finchpaw took no notice to it, as she seemed to be laughing at him with a friendly demeanor. Maybe it’d be fun to play around with the tom, and not let him know for a while now, and when they were older, they would discuss things. Not now though, it was all too fun now.

[Whiskers]

He had been right. This was about Frostpaw. And though he felt pleased that he had decoded this from Bluepaw's thoughts and therefore was prepared for her confirmation, Finchpaw thought that maybe...he'd be happier if he was wrong, and if it was about something less complicated. He would have even talked to her about a "Starclan dream" if he had to, rather than discuss Frostpaw and the happenings of the medicine cat meeting. At least when dealing with Starclan he could lie convincingly, or even hypothetically help her interpret a dream. But this was a different matter, one dealing with emotions, one dealing with Frostpaw. And Frostpaw on her own was a lot to handle, though Finchpaw oddly enjoyed "handling" her. (Though in reality, he did nothing of the sort.)

He shuffled his paws and the frustration inside him began to grow louder, thundering dangerously and wildly. Choose sides? Stand up for her? Why was he obligated to do this, why did he HAVE to pick either Frostpaw or Bluepaw when he was perfectly capable of staying neutral in their little feud? He didn't even fully understand what she meant when she alluded to them being "friendly and really close." She was surprised that he was friends with her, was that it? Why was every cat that he talked to surprised that he was friends with Frostpaw?! This is what made him angriest. Finchpaw knew that Frostpaw didn't need him defending her, but lately, he was feeling like he should.

But Finchpaw just flicked his ears back and then forward before speaking. He wasn't going to yell at Bluepaw. His anger would just have to fester in the pit of his stomach and hopefully he could ignore it until it disappeared altogether.

"Well... I.." Oh, goodness he didn't know what to say. His tongue felt very heavy as he realized that the truth was tied into his disbelief in Starclan. I'm sorry Bluepaw, but Frostpaw is the only one who knows that I don't believe in Starclan and when you mentioned your dream it got me extremely uncomfortable and vulnerable. That's why I pulled away. That wasn't about to happen anytime soon.

He tried again. "I didn't mean to...hurt you, Bluepaw. Just the half moon thing is really stressful for me--" Where did that come from? Now she's going to ask why! Finchpaw thought in horror, but continued anyway, "-- and I was... upset. With a lot of things. Namely, my father and brother. It wasn't because of you at all and I didn't..."

This wasn't working. What type of apology was this? He was making excuses, he wasn't being clear... if anything he'd confuse Bluepaw more. Start over.

"You and Frostpaw are both very good friends to me," there this was better, Finchpaw's voice was much more confident. "And I didn't know that I had to take sides, Bluepaw. You think I did but, in reality I was just looking for comfort and Frostpaw gave it to me. She's my clanmate and though you and I... we'll always be wonderful friends Bluepaw, but Frostpaw... it's a different sort of relationship with her. I have a loyalty to her that I don't have with you and it's because she's in my clan."

Finchpaw paused and looked back at Bluepaw. "I know you two don't get along, but it isn't fair to put me in the middle of you two. I won't choose sides, Bluepaw. I can't."

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[Emily]

Right now, Bluepaw was entirely envious of those with the power of manipulation. Usually, she could get away easily with any mischief-manner she’d caused, playing only with children’s masquerades. Somehow, two of the most important cats in her life, (only in Bluepaw’s perspective though) were able to see right through her game of charades. Bluepaw was almost certain that her mentor, Badgernose, had achieved some sort of ‘out of this world’ x-ray vision that ran straight through little white lies. Even when she didn’t catch Bluepaw’s naughty mouth, she could quite easily tell when the young she-cat was hiding away any discontent. Secondly, Finchpaw, though usually vulnerable to her naïve little act, often either said what she didn’t want to hear or said nothing at all. He was able to connect with Bluepaw more than she had ever expected, but perhaps it was only because she imagined it so.

Innocently swiping her paw over her nose, the she-cat tuned in intensively. Her eyes boggled from her head with a queer wariness. The thought that perhaps she had gone too hard on the tom crossed Bluepaw’s mind distinctively, but she couldn’t help but not attempt to blockade them from the rest of her mind from then on. No matter how much, deep down, she needed to tell herself that Finchpaw was never obliged to make a stand for her, nor discover on his own that Bluepaw was falling head over heels for him, she refused to accept the facts. Bluepaw certainly lived up to her name as a ‘stubborn mouse-brained (medicine cat’s) apprentice’.

Bluepaw’s idea of ‘friendly and really close’ meant something a little more than what Finchpaw took it for. The silly tom probably assumed that Bluepaw simply didn’t approve of he and Frostpaw’s friendship. Sure, she didn’t like it all too much, considering a good cat like Finchpaw would end up befriending a meddling, faithless little snitch like Frostpaw, but she tried not to go overboard at most costs. Bluepaw bit back bitter consent; oh, how bad she wanted to tell Finchpaw that she was tripping over her paws for him! He was so blind to the truth, a true and oblivious male as they come. There was, in no way, that two medicine cats from opposite clans could ever come together though, which offered up a dilemma for the two/one (depending on if Bluepaw ever told Finchpaw, or if he ever even agreed to mutual feelings.) Maybe, if she told him, which was her original plan in the first place, then he would somehow come to understand. “The stupid mouse-brain,” she murmured to herself, drawing back a high-pitched giggle-fit.

At last, Bluepaw forced herself into a reply, after her turn of listening to his apologies, which did indeed give her much content. Of course, being the good and kind-natured tomcat he was, Finchpaw finally came to the conclusion that he would not be taking sides. It was not in terms of: ‘Frostpaw over Bluepaw’ or ‘Bluepaw over Frostpaw’, but ‘None over the other.’ Before Finchpaw had found his voice, he was completely tolerant of any self-confidence, and Bluepaw pitied him. She never meant for him to crack under any sort of pressure by any means, only for him to give an absolute answer.

“Finchpaw, look here.” Bluepaw turned her eyes upright, clearly not wanting to look Finchpaw straight in the eye, even though she had directed him to do so. “I understand, and I’m sorry about all this… and confronting you. I didn’t mean for trouble, you know that, right? Actually, I never even intended to talk about this. I mean, I wanted to talk but… it’s not related. Oh, mouse-dung, it is, isn’t it? You wouldn’t understand though. Not yet, at least.” Bluepaw hesitated, her nose scrunched painfully tight. The cat’s head exchanged weight from one side of its shoulder to the other. The entire atmosphere felt like the waves, rolling in and out, the pressure fading, only to come again with a deeper impression.

“I’m in love.”

[Whiskers]

Finchpaw didn’t know where to look. He wanted to hide and stare at her paws, or possibly at the herbs scattered around the den, but he needed to acknowledge her. He wanted everything to be normal again. He missed his happier Bluepaw, the one whose eyes were bigger than the moon, eyes that were curious and wild, untamable and interesting. He was so uncomfortable when she was like this. He couldn’t stand it. The medicine cat apprentice wished to rise to his feet and proclaim the conversation over and fruitless. He would say, if he could, that they could be happier talking about things and events in the future, instead of lingering on ones in the past. Finchpaw’s brows furrowed at this hope, it was not one he could afford to fulfill. They could not ignore anything more between them or this ridiculous tension would remain pressing down on their pelts. It would be solved now.

At Bluepaw’s sudden command (which had followed a misplaced giggle), Finchpaw obeyed, lifting his head and finding Bluepaw’s eyes again. His face was complacent… though he felt the tremor of emotions passing over his face every few heartbeats. There definitely was nervousness in his whiskers and eyebrows, and behind that nervousness, Finchpaw couldn’t help but show his longing for normalcy and for their friendship to remained unharmed by this. If, in the end, Bluepaw was not happy with him because of Frostpaw then… then he would lose her. Urgh, what an unpleasant—even scary—thought. But what else could he do? He would not give up Frostpaw. Never. And he had a duty to his clan first, so it would be Bluepaw who would suffer.

Now it was Bluepaw’s turn to ramble like a stuttering mouse. She couldn’t seem to find her footing and this made him feel a little bit better about his own apology, which was so badly delivered. But what words did happen to come out of her mouth made Finchpaw’s muzzle turn up into a tiny, relaxed smile. Bluepaw had understood! She wasn’t going to make him choose, he could have both of the wonderful she-cats as his close friends and no harm would be done. He was about to suggest that they go out and collect herbs together, when she decided to keep talking.

”I’m in love

Finchpaw froze.

He stared.

There was… Bluepaw was… what? The tom’s liquid amber eyes widened, and though he was once so relaxed but a second ago, Finchpaw know felt every muscle harden. He was a block of stone, staring at Bluepaw in disbelief in… in horror. No. No no no no no no no no. He could not HANDLE this, he didn’t want to listen to Bluepaw talk about this tom she liked. Did she want advice, was that why she was coming to him? Why—no! Finchpaw didn’t know anything about love… it was something insane, something beyond him. And not only that, but there was the obvious other reason for this being a very bad thing. Medicine cats weren’t allowed mates. It was forbidden.

So how had this happened? Bluepaw had never talked about toms before (thank goodness) so Finchpaw had no idea how long she had been in love. And who was she in love with, anyway?!

“In love? With who? Bluepaw, medicine cats aren’t supposed to fall in love. It’s against, er, Starclan’s will!” Finchpaw found his voice and immediately padded closer to her, his whole demeanor urgent with concern. He couldn’t have Bluepaw getting her heart broken. “No matter what we feel, it’s our… duty as servants of Starclan—“ wow he was spewing a lot of mouse dung today. He sounded so much like his father, “—to ignore it, to rise above it for the sake of our clan. We wouldn’t want to... provoke Their wrath or cause any heartache.”

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