Post by Whiskers on Dec 28, 2009 20:31:46 GMT -5
Beliefs: "StarClan is not real. I mean, I can believe it if I want, but everything is so complicated. It's just not real, and everyone should know that"-- is this your own opinion...or is this Branchfur's thought? I can't tell. You need to clarify that it is your cat's (omit it if it's not). If it is your cat's, I want to know why she feels it's complicated, and how she could "believe in it if she wants". The rest of it might need some tinkering once you've fixed the above.
Also, mention how she feels living in a clan of mostly Starclan believers. And is she open about her non-belief or does she keep it a secret?
Personality: This seems...a little confusing. You bounce all over the place and you don't give her a real specific personality. You just say it "depends." I want to know what makes Branchfur stand out, not how she reacts in situations. You say she's generous and calm. Expand on that sort of thing instead. And why is she always late? How dedicated is she to her clan? As she is a calm cat, I assume she's patient-- so how far do you have to go to really annoy her?
"Not because she's scary. It is because it looks like if they don't stop, they are going to pay for it, and regret that for the rest of their life."-- That sounds like she's scary to me. She's being intimidating; the former sentence is not needed.
Basically, I just want you to explain her character more, since right now she's very vague.
History:"Branchfur never got to see her mother. Her mother was a kittypet, so of course she was born somewhere else. Her father, Addertail, was a StreamClanner. So Branchfur did not have a mother"-- This is very confusing. What happened to the mother? Why wasn't Branchfur raised kittypet? Did her father take her away?
More importantly, her father would not be a Streamclanner. At the time that Branchfur was born, the cats would most likely be on the Journey. You can make her father an old Forestclan warrior who later joins Streamclan. Read the site's plot and the timeline, so you can get a better idea of this.
Also, ten moons old is very young to be a warrior. The average is 12 moons. I'd advise making her a little older, just be a couple of moons.
Also, mention how she feels living in a clan of mostly Starclan believers. And is she open about her non-belief or does she keep it a secret?
Personality: This seems...a little confusing. You bounce all over the place and you don't give her a real specific personality. You just say it "depends." I want to know what makes Branchfur stand out, not how she reacts in situations. You say she's generous and calm. Expand on that sort of thing instead. And why is she always late? How dedicated is she to her clan? As she is a calm cat, I assume she's patient-- so how far do you have to go to really annoy her?
"Not because she's scary. It is because it looks like if they don't stop, they are going to pay for it, and regret that for the rest of their life."-- That sounds like she's scary to me. She's being intimidating; the former sentence is not needed.
Basically, I just want you to explain her character more, since right now she's very vague.
History:"Branchfur never got to see her mother. Her mother was a kittypet, so of course she was born somewhere else. Her father, Addertail, was a StreamClanner. So Branchfur did not have a mother"-- This is very confusing. What happened to the mother? Why wasn't Branchfur raised kittypet? Did her father take her away?
More importantly, her father would not be a Streamclanner. At the time that Branchfur was born, the cats would most likely be on the Journey. You can make her father an old Forestclan warrior who later joins Streamclan. Read the site's plot and the timeline, so you can get a better idea of this.
Also, ten moons old is very young to be a warrior. The average is 12 moons. I'd advise making her a little older, just be a couple of moons.
We have a cbox again and we're opening the place up as a closed, members only rp