To Wonder at the Ways of Life

[Cloud of Diamonds]

It was...like the calm after a storm. You appreciated it more once it returned to being regular, cherishing it more, loving the feeling of everything being...normal.

Brightnose loved it. Loved the feeling that all the messy, conflicting conversation was over and now a measured, reasoned, and paced discussion could follow. Of course, she feared something like this happening again, she wondered if she could cope if it did...but for now, she'd just enjoy the fact that Finchpaw's voice was normal again.

Also, he very luckily seemed to have not noticed her rant. Thank StarClan.

And also luckily, after her little...spurt...her anger seemed to have for the most part disappeared. It hovered in the back of her mind, yes, but it was no longer a threat. What a relief. Either StarClan had decided to intervene or she was just lucky. Well, there was probably a logical explanation, but...she was going to give her brain a break and not try and investigate it now.

Answering him was easy enough. The calico yawned. Hmm. Maybe they could resolve it themselves, but Rowanheart seemed a fairly able cat - and he was Frostpaw's mentor, (she had just remembered) after all. Surely he would be concerned with her well-being.

Her well-being..like a cloud in front passing in front of the sun, a small, dark thought was born in the medicine cat's mind. But if he was concerned, why had he not acted by now? From Finchpaw's words, it sounded like Frostpaw had been enduring prejudice and scorn for moons now. If Rowanheart had realized - and surely he would have noticed what was happening to his own apprentice, or she would have told him - then wouldn't he have taken measures to help her, like a mentor should? It was somewhat troubling. Maybe Finchpaw knew, he seemed concerned. Hmmm...

"I was just thinking - maybe we could talk to him about taking measures to stop prejudice - but also perhaps...never mind. It was a foolish thought. We can - and we have - sorted out this little...debate by ourselves. I think it ended neatly and we both learned from it, I think. But never mind that.

What I meant was maybe I could speak to him, who as a believer in StarClan but also Frostpaw's mentor would help her...but from what you say, he seems to have not yet, though I judge she has been the victim of scorn from the rest of her Clan for many moons. Finchpaw, I...seek not to insult your father, but perhaps he should have helped change other cats' views of Frostpaw by now? I...apologize if I am insulting you or him in any way."

There was relief but also pleading in her eyes, for him to understand she didn't want to hurt him, she was just curious. Please, StarClan, it may seem trivial, but I assure you it is important, she prayed. Don't let my apprentice flare up again.

[Whiskers]

Finchpaw felt his body relax. His shoulders slumped, his ears flicked back-- his entire stance changed as he listened to Brightnose's words and was relieved. He was in no real danger, it seemed, as she had no intention of mentioning the rest of their talk to Rowanheart. He had been overly paranoid yet again. It was disappointing that Finchpaw let himself get like that. Inwardly (he didn't let it show of course), he was still very angry, only at himself this time. The last thing he wanted was to be like his father-- paranoid, nervous, suspicious of all actions. But that's what he was becoming.

The idea was disgusting.

And speaking of his father, Finchpaw wanted to laugh how Brightnose assumed that Rowanheart was oh so good a mentor. But...well, this was not her fault. Most of the clan saw Rowanheart as a great warrior. Someone to be proud of, someone to admire. Even Finchpaw thought Rowanheart was a good warrior-- in skills of course. So Brightnose's assumption wasn't surprising at all. If anything, it was the fact that she sort of wanted to help Frostpaw with the oppression in the clan. After all, only a few minutes ago, she had been telling Finchpaw that she wouldn't help Frostpaw at all, because of her attitude toward medicine cats.

Ah, but then she caught on. Maybe Brightnose wasn't the biggest mousebrain in the world. She had some intelligence in her.

So...how to answer...? Should he reveal to Brightnose the real nature of Rowanheart? AS soon as that though crossed his mind, he knew he wanted to. Brightnose could do something about it after all! Maybe...maybe she could get Owlstar to switch Rowanheart onto someone else. Then...then Frostpaw could have a chance at becoming a warrior!

That is, if Brightnose believed him.

"Don't apologize." He started very bluntly before going on, hoping that this would help Frostpaw, even if it meant that Rowanheart punished him for it. "My father is possibly one of the most prejudiced cats in Fogclan against non-believers. He doesn't treat Frostpaw properly... he is the worst one of them all," He said and then worry filled him. This was the right thing to do, wasn't it? He couldn't hide this sudden anxiousness for Frostpaw and for himself, so he averted his gaze and hoped for the best.

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[Cloud of Diamonds]

It came...as quite a shock. And some emotions with it, some of which she hoped did not show on her face. Compassion, gratuity, understanding and feeling of connecting more with her apprentice. All very well. Now it was time to put logic in gear and use the information. She noticed he looked away, as though embarrassed. Why would that be? Oh well. She should just say something.

"Thank you for telling me that, Finchpaw. I will admit I never suspected him of such a thing. It is hard to believe such an illogical cat is related to you. However, what is most important is considering how I will act on this information. I should be able to indirectly aid Frostpaw's situation, if you think it fit.

Obviously I cannot approach Rowanheart myself. True, I am a medicine cat, but he is a senior warrior and as far as I know, popular among his Clanmates. There is no telling who anyone would believe if we made the case public. And if I usurp warriors' trust in me, I may also usurp Owlstar's faith in me, which is most vital of all if we are to change anything."

I have some thoughts on this matter, but I would hear your opinions, Finchpaw."

The calico wondered how long Finchpaw had been under the burden of this knowledge. Did any other warriors know? Did they disapprove but were too afraid to tell? It sickened Brightnose that such a thing had been unnoticed for so long by any but Finchpaw, or so it seemed. It surprised her that she had not noticed it herself, as she thought of herself as an observant cat.

Well, I don't spend that much time with my Clanmates, it's true...she mused to herself. Maybe that was a mistake, almost always keeping my own company. No, not a mistake so much as too much of a good thing, she decided. It has done me no harm, but perhaps it would not be so bad to try some variation. After all, that is how one learns things.

And I must remember my goal of the world, she thought. To learn everything about it. This could be monumental. A glimpse into how Clan politics work. Fascinating, she reflected.

[Whiskers]

Brightnose's answer was possibly the best that Finchpaw could have hoped for. He was honestly very thankful to his mentor's for not only believing him but... offering to help as well. He lifted his muzzle up and his look of anxiousness was dimming, though he still felt its trembling hands clutching at his fur. He would never be able to shake it completely, when speaking of matters of his father.

But he managed a smile for his mentor, a real one. Possibly the first he had ever shown her. Still on guard though, he didn't know just how to approach her question. Opinion on how to help Frostpaw? He was still slowly figuring out what he could do for the she-cat. He was trying. He was rebelling, step-by-step. He couldn't talk to Rowanheart of course, and he couldn't talk to Owlstar. Frostpaw had done that, and failed. Was there...any way?

He hated that he couldn't come up with some sort of solution for Frostpaw's overall problem. Lately, all he had done was try to take some of the weight off of her shoulders. What a failure he was.

"Thank you for listening," he uttered quietly. He felt small and useless as he realized he had no answer to give Brightnose. And he had to be careful with what he said, like always, when it came to his involvement with Frostpaw. "And... I do not know what to do for her." The words actually hurt coming out of his mouth. What a failure. He was supposed to be a smart cat, and he couldn't figure out a solution? What type of friend was he anyway?

Self-pity is hardly going to help, Finchpaw growled inwardly. And though he...he really would rather avoid getting help from Brightnose, right now he didn't have much choice. He just wondered what Frostpaw would say, him turning to Brightnose. But if Brightnose had an idea... then who was he to reject her? It could help. And that's what was important here, making Frostpaw's life a little easier, a little happier.

So he pushed his own pride aside and said as politely as he could to his mentor,"But I welcome your ideas, Brightnose."

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[Cloud of Diamonds]

A curious look from the she-cat's eyes fixed itself on her apprentice. Not prying to know every detail, but merely interested in his words and posture. Her mostly dark tail moved slowly back and forth as she pondered.

So quiet, when he first spoke...did this really mean that much to him? Was Frostpaw his best friend? The calico had no way of knowing, but she suspected it was true. How odd...andBrightnose could not figure out why he alone of all cats - and especially, being Rowanheart's son - was the one who attempted to aid Frostpaw. Brightnose thought of the pale gray she-cat.

True, she had no love for medicine cats or what they did, though of course she was entitled to her beliefs though they did not make sense to Brightnose...that was another mystery. How had the pair become allies? One would think that, since of Finchpaw's place in the Clan, not to mention the fact that his father was her mentor, she would hardly choose to confide him. Curious...

But now was not the time for thinking about possible past events. Now was the time to think and plan their course of action.

And again her curiosity was aroused when the tom said he knew not what to do...also strange. But then, it was a complicated issue...perhaps it might even be difficult for her to solve. And even more so considering Frostpaw would most likely not be happy if Finchpaw told her he had confided in his mentor. Would she refuse assistance because of Brightnose's role? Surely not; it would be Finchpaw who did the talking to her, anyway.

He would welcome her ideas...well, that's new, snickered part of her. The rest of her ignored it and thought. And thought. There was quiet for a while in the den.

"Well, before we do anything, Finchpaw, I believe there is one thing we should agree to do. It would be rather awkward if I were to talk to Frostpaw myself, of course, so if we think of anything you are to tell her about it, and tell me what her answers are. In short, you will relay our communications. Do you agree? Tell me once I am finished speaking, for I have other things to say.

It seems the largest obstacle to aiding Frostpaw is, of course, the general attitude. How may we overcome that? I have the hint of an idea; a story you could tell to the other apprentices. It may sound far-fetched, but bear with me.

Say in the story there is a cat who is being harassed by the other cats because they believe in only hunting fish. Say that in the group of rogues they live in, they are excluded, looked down upon, merely because they have a different idea. Hopefully, some cats would be sympathetic to the cat in the story and realize they are a metaphor for Frostpaw.

Perhaps it is not much to begin with, but I welcome your criticism and advice."

[Whiskers]

Finchpaw was still, sort of, in denial of this whole thing. He couldn't comprehend why his mentor had decided to turn around, change her mind, and help Frostpaw, when she had said she had no reason to before. Judging from what I know of Brightnose... thought Finchpaw, she probably thinks this is just a problem she can fix. A wound she can heal. She doesn't actually care, she's just interested in gathering information from the experience.

It made sense and Finchpaw knew that any sort of help was better than no help at all. He should just leave it alone. He really should. But...it bothered him. Because Frostpaw wasn't a problem...and he suddenly didn't want Brightnose involved.

How stupid of him! He had thought this through and accepted her help, and now he was deciding he didn't want it? What was that about, why the change? It had hardly been a minute and Finchpaw was never one to back out of a decision before. He always thought through his choices and he went to the end. Why was he so desperate to shove Brightnose away then? It wasn't smart. It made no sense. Nothing got done. But Finchpaw couldn't shake the desire. He wanted to keep Brightnose away from his world of Frostpaw, wanted to keep that one highlight of his days private and untouched.

Too late now though. He had already tainted it-- given away too much information in the way he was acting. Acting like he actually cared about her. Oh and he did care for Frostpaw, of course he did! But now Brightnose knew and she was probably wondering how they got to know each other and she'd catch on that he was abandoning his duties for her and then she would tell his father. He should have avoided the topic of Frostpaw altogether. That was the best way to protect her, the best way to protect the both of them.

"Of course I'll pass on the messages," Finchpaw said coolly and a little impatiently. "But I don't think i have much to pass on at the moment. That idea...I don't think it will work."

"Maybe it will get one or two thinking...but for the most part each one would point out that Starclan, unlike the fish, is a thinking force that punishes those that do not believe in them. So, while hunting only fish does not result in anything negative, disbelief in Starclan leads to eternal damnation."

"Further more, some see Starclan as the source of our morality, and without Starclan, being a moral, respectable cat is impossible. And hunting only fish is hardly a matter of morals-- it's a matter of diet." Finchpaw finished. He felt exhausted now. And even a little more hopeless than before, which was hardly the way to be thinking.

"We'll need more than a story to change the minds of Fogclan," Finchpaw added on bitterly and he wondered if Brightnose had any other ideas...or if this truly was a waste of his time and his trust.

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[Cloud of Diamonds]

The calico found herself getting annoyed again. Who did Finchpaw think he was? Asking her so desperately for help, but now acting like it was her fault or something. Mouse-brain.
She huffed a bit, looking down on the shorter cat with a piercing light brown gaze. Well, he hadn't had any thoughts after knowing Frostpaw's situation for a while, or so she presumed; what more did he expect of her so quickly? Smart she may be, but she was no miracle worker. And he was intelligent enough himself, why hadn't HE thought of anything?

But she did her best to squash her spiteful and resentful thoughts, and considered the rest of his response.

She couldn't help thinking crossly that maybe most of the apprentices were rather dim-witted. If they truly had curiosity and compassion, as any cat should, the story should have at least made them be a bit more sympathetic and open-minded.

But, she grudgingly admitted, Finchpaw WAS right on most accounts. It was widely believed (as far as she knew) that StarClan acted and thought and could punish cats, and the matter of them and fish were entirely different. This was much more difficult than she'd thought...

However, a small bit of inspiration came to her. Maybe if she put it right it would sound more impressive than it actually was...

Assuming a brisk, confident tone, she meowed,

"Well, since that obviously won't work, maybe we should take a smaller pawstep before we take a larger one. Changing the mind of one before changing the mind of many. We must speak to Owlstar."

She hoped the suggestion sounded better than it actually was. For once in a long, long time the medicine cat was actually disappointed in herself. Wasn't she FogClan's medicine cat? Couldn't she think of anything better?

[Whiskers]

Finchpaw's exhaustion was growing as the conversation dragged and nothing good came out of it. Another bad idea. Owlstar? What would she do? Absolutely nothing. Frostpaw had already gone to Owlstar, had already discussed the matter of Rowanheart and switching mentors. It hadn't worked. So what would Brightnose say that could result in something more positive? Finchpaw, himself, didn't know what he would say if he were to approach Owlstar about this.

Owlstar please tell the clan to stop picking on poor ol' Frostpaw? Finchpaw imagined with a slight wrinkle of his nose. Frostpaw didn't want their pity. She didn't want...anything from them, she just wanted acceptance and fairness. He could claim that his father was discriminating against Frostpaw, but that wouldn't work because of Rowanheart's status in the clan.

Well, he could lie. As despicable an option as that was, Finchpaw realized he could come up with some sign from Starclan to get Frostpaw's ceremony pushed up so she wouldn't have to deal with Rowanheart as her mentor anymore. But Finchpaw automatically threw the idea away. He wasn't going to make up some dream, it went against some of his basic beliefs-- one being that the use of Starclan as a weapon, or excuse, was wrong. No leader or medicine cat should think claiming Starclan would make the action right.

It would also be hard to pull off. He could lie through his teeth about where he was, what he did, how he was feeling. But Starclan? He avoided the topic for a reason, because if he talked about it, any cat with a brain would realize he was spewing fox-dung.

And of course, the final reason is that it would all be pointless because Frostpaw would never accept her warrior name that way. So think of something else...

But there was nothing. There was no easy way to change opinions. It was a long and grueling fight and sometimes no one won.

"No. Owlstar can't help her. She's already been talked to and...she's just not the cat to go to," Finchpaw meowed. "But you are right. Changing the mind of one cat at a time would be a more realistic goal, one that might reap some success. Unfortunately, I still don't know how to spread tolerance in the clan. There is no easy answer."

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[Cloud of Diamonds]

Huh. Though she knew it wasn't true, the calico almost felt like he sort of expected her to solve the problem for him.

What did Finchpaw think she was, anyway? His mother or friend? No, he had made it abundantly clear such affections pertaining in any way to those positions were highly unwelcome. So it was his own darn fault if she was less sympathetic.

She looked at her apprentice in a bit of a skeptical way as he continued to speak.

So, it seemed he had thought of talking to the black-and-white she-cat already. Brightnose had to admit that she was surprised it hadn't done anything. Why would Owlstar not act when confronted with such a problem? If she were in her leader's place, the FogClanner knew there were things she could have done. Namely, privately talk to each of her senior warriors, especially Rowanheart.

The hard thing was....what exactly did Frostpaw need? The medicine cat had no way of knowing. She supposed she could ask Finchpaw. He probably knew. But would he reveal it? He was being so unhelpful she wasn't sure of anything he'd say anymore. There were no opportunities to assume or make predictions, it seemed. Dashed, them all.

But maybe if she did it tactfully enough, he would supply her with the information. The striped and white tom had chosen to tell her, after all. She could deal with what he dished out now.

"Ah, so she wouldn't listen? Your arguments or ideas did not satisfy her? I see.

Then maybe we can slowly work on the senior warriors. Mistpelt, Volepelt, Hailstorm, etc.

But I have a small request to make...we are trying to decide on a course of action, yes, but I think I should at least have a clue of what I'm trying to decide action for and why. Tell me, what does Frostpaw need, precisely?"

[Whiskers]

Need? What did Frostpaw need? Finchpaw let this word sink in, let it chase away all the other thoughts he was having for just a brief moment. He had never thought about this-- about what she needed. It was always about what she wanted. But need? There were the obvious ones of course, like food and water and shelter from the harsh leaf-bare. But she needed... other things too, like companionship. While he was her friend, he didn't know of many others who were as well. And the more support she had, the easier it would be for her.

And she needed a real home. Fogclan wasn't a home to her, it was much too hostile. If she had that, she'd be happier, Finchpaw thought. If only it was easy to get her those things... he would if he could, but he couldn't force anyone to be her friend and he couldn't force Fogclan to lay off her.

"She needs what everyone needs-- a place where she is appreciated, where she can be happy. Fogclan isn't that place right now," Finchpaw said.

What if she eventually left then? Finchpaw wouldn't put it past her to just get up and walk out one day. But the thought of it hurt, increased his heartbeat, sent his gaze to the floor. He would miss her so much. The talks that they had, seldom that they were, were the brightest moments of his day. The pounding in his chest grew harder, and so Finchpaw pushed away the thought. No need to think like that yet, she wasn't gone yet. There was a chance she would never leave, that things would get better.

"Why exactly do you care?" the question came out of his mouth before he could rethink asking it. "Not so long ago, you said that you wouldn't help Frostpaw and now you're offering. Why?"

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