~I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For~

[Cloud of Diamonds]

A white paw wiggled in the cleft of a rock, claws scratching the stone in search of any fragments they might have missed before. It had to be done properly, after all. It was a thorough job that needed to be done.

Cleaning out the store.

Brightnose had decided it should be today, as it was sunny, if a bit chilly out. A small smile twitched on her face. Sunny. Her name from long ago, hardly more than a fading mental echo. Huh, if only her parents could see her now. A Clan cat with a high position, and with more knowledge than most regular cats of her Clan times two.

However, a little voice in her head reminded her to analyze the herbs in front of her.

The calico appraised the plants with a critical eye, deciding to judge them first by sight, then smell, then taste. But it was a big job, and her focus could only hold out so long. Another quick, ready, and experienced mind was needed. Finchpaw.

Where was he, anyway? She'd given him the day off, but she hadn't expected there to be so many leftover plants and scraps. He must be collecting more than she thought. Well, he could help clean it up.

Padding out of the medicine bush, her light brown eyes scoured the camp for a sign of the ginger-and-white tom. She didn't see him immediately, so she sat down and thought, her favorite way of passing the time.

This would be a good way to see his progress...see how well he had learned the ways of medicine in the several moons since he had become her apprentice. The she-cat well remembered the day Rowanheart had come bursting into her den, insisting his son be medicine cat apprentice...

...why had he, though? It was true Brightnose had never paid much attention to kits, except when she needed to heal them, but still, she'd never noticed Finchpaw hanging around the medicine den or showing an interest in plants of any kind. Still, he had the natural curiosity and quick paws of a medicine cat...perhaps it had been ability rather than outright desire that had made the ginger tom realize his son was meant for the job...

A glimpse of ginger fur made her look up. "Finchpaw?" She mewed questioningly.

[Whiskers]

Today was a quiet, easy day, one of the days that Finchpaw loved. He could do anything he wanted on this day. Nearly anything. He didn't know where Frostpaw was...but he knew that Firepaw went on some patrol and would not be back till near day and so the sight of his brother continued to elude him. Thinking of Firepaw got Finchpaw a bit nervous actually, as he was becoming more and more suspicious that Firepaw was avoiding him. No... he was a confrontational cat, he didn't "avoid." They were both just so busy.

Or Firepaw was busy. Since his showdown with Brightnose she had been distant, giving him few orders, though confining him mostly to the den. Today, she had told him to go out. And what a day to be out! Despite the cold snow underneath his toes, Finchpaw loved the sun, loved the fierce chill. His body was wracked with shivers, being as skinny as he was, but it was... much better than the stuffy den. It reminded him of the forest, reminded me of the life out there. And once he got running, he warmed up. Cold was not much of a problem for Finchpaw. As long as it wasn't too windy, he could stand it. And snow? Snow was wonderful, magical, innocent.

He wanted to go play in it with Firepaw. Or Frostpaw, he whispered silently to himself.

He had reentered camp again, to drop off a rather tiny, insignificant piece of prey when he heard his name. It was all he could do not to groan and crouch behind the meager fresh-kill pile. It wouldn't help of course, she had already seen him. Still, Brightnose knew how to ruin a good day.

Finchpaw acknowledged her with a nod of his head and a blank face. He padded over to her and lowered his head as a sign of respect. "Yes, Brightnose? He didn't want to ask the question because he knew the answer would be "Help me." And this was supposed to be his day off? Great. Just great.

[/size]

[Cloud of Diamonds]

Ah, good, it was him. Scent that reached her nose soon after she'd said the name confirmed it, as did the pleasant reply she got in return. Well, he was probably annoyed at her for making him come and work again...but she'd make it up to him.

"Ah, Finchpaw. I am in need of your assistance for a bit. I'm sorry it's on your day off, but unfortunately it can't wait. And, as a reward, you can have your choice of a hunting or fighting lesson afterwards, you're long overdue on one anyway."

Brightnose was pleased with her own generosity. If that couldn't satisfy the tom, nothing could. She'd formed the idea from the vivid happiness she remembered from the day they had hunted together, long ago. Of course, it had also been the day of their first fight (or two) but that was all in the past now...

The calico carefully padded into her den, taking care not to step on any supplies, and meowed to Finchpaw to do the same.

Sitting in front of the collection of healing materials, she waited for Rowanheart's son to sit beside her, but began explaining what they were going to do anyway.

"These plants you see are all of the herbs we've collected from the end of greenleaf until now - quite a few, luckily. The operation is simple enough - choose an herb, examine it, smell it, and if you're still not quite sure of its level of potency left, taste it. The ones we can discard because they're moldy, damaged, or too old will go in the back of the den. The good ones leave there. All clear?"

[Whiskers]

Finchpaw half-listened, like he always did when Brightnose talked. It wasn't really her fault that he couldn't pay attention. She wasn't... terribly boring just not very interesting to him. And he had heard a lot of what she had said be-- whoa, back track.

Hunting or fighting lesson? Finchpaw's expression perked up immediately, and he couldn't help the purr that rumbled through him, though he managed to stop his yowl of gratitude from ripping out of his muzzle. Finchpaw was already thinking of which he would rather do and he knew that he wanted to do hunting...but needed to do fighting. He never fought, hardly even playfought anymore. A kittypet could probably kill him with a simple pounce and pin move. Well...no, Finchpaw could predict a move like that but that wasn't the point.

But first he had to do herb stuff. Fun. And by the sounds of it, it was not only going to be rather dull but also sort of hard. He collected herbs all the time (it's why they had so much, too much actually) but he never stopped to really identify them. He knew the way certain herbs looked and he could connect names if he wanted to. Usually he just recognized a plant, plucked it, carried it to camp. What if this was some sort of test? It had been so long since he actually studied.

Finchpaw's rather subtle happiness was gone now as his brow furrowed, his whiskers quivered anxiously. Maybe he could just fake his way through this...

"Uhm...alright, Brightnose," he murmured, so unsure of himself. Now...where to begin? More importantly, how could he stall?

...no this wasn't one of those activities he could stall. He chose a herb at random and sniffed it, trying to recall its name. He did know it... he did, he had, once upon a time, made an effort to memorize the herbs. But that was a long time ago, and without practice, his knowledge had faded.

I bet it's thyme. It's thyme isn't it? What does thyme do again? Cures some disease or heals some wound?

Yeah...he didn't know what he was doing. But it smelled fresh and he vaguely remembered bringing it in a few days ago, when he got back from his visit with Frostpaw. Oh yes! Yes, he had brought this and some juniper berries back. So it was fresh. As long as Brightnose didn't ask him any questions then, he could probably muddle his way through this activity with few problems.

[/size]

[Cloud of Diamonds]

Hmmm...his reply was kind of mumbled...odd...but perhaps he was tired. She suspected he'd been out all day, after all, and he wasn't the most hardy of cats, or the most muscular.

And thus it was a perfect time for a basic review of herb uses! He could do this easily, they'd trained with these kinds of plants for months. This was his chance to impress her; he'd better not mess up, or he would have some serious buckling down to do.

"Ah, I see you've picked up some thyme. If you would be so kind as to also identify marigold, horsetail, feverfew, and tansy I would be pleased."

She'd noted the four just a minute ago, almost in a perfect curve among the mass of leaves and stems and buds.

The FogClanner's brow furrowed slightly as she realized she'd forgotten to quiz him on their uses. Oh well. She was sure he knew them by heart. And once he'd pointed out the set of four, they would review combat poultices. Why hadn't she worked out a system like this before? It made so much sense. Ah well, at least she'd done it.

She herself scooping up some poppy seeds, the tricolored cat examined them, judging them to be around a moon old or so, but still good for at least another half-moon. The lean FogClanner put them back where they had been.

[Whiskers]

He had been right on the thyme... that was good.

But he was absolutely doomed otherwise. Finchpaw's insides clenched together and he wished he could let out a very loud groan. Or growl at her, for no other reason than the fact he wanted to growl at someone. But it had been his duty to learn this and it was not her fault. He could not attack Brightnose for this. She had taught him. He just hadn't listened or cared. And now look-- he was about to become very embarrassed.

His eyes went to the pile and there, he saw a bunch of green, brown, some yellow. Mostly green. He would pick out the easier one-- marigold. She had used this a day or so ago, when tending to Falconpaw, that silly apprentice. Finchpaw was able to pluck that one up with relative ease, thanks to his memory. If only his memory remembered more though!

"Well there's marigold," he announced. Brightnose knew that but he felt the need to voice his win aloud. Because the rest...

Should he just guess, Finchpaw thought, and risk it? Wouldn't that be worse? He should own up to his absolute failure. But first, maybe his memory could scrape up something, save him last minute. He knelt down and got a little closer to the pile, and his nose quivered. He could identify maybe by smell, but by now he should know it by sight.

He gave up but a minute later and he stood up straight. Without looking his mentor in the eye, he admitted his ignorance. "I...have no idea about the other three. It all looks around the same," He was a little annoyed now; at himself, at her, at the darn plants. "And it's hard to pick out the smell in this den."

No excuse. He waited for lecture and told himself that he would not get upset. He'd just have to grit his teeth and bear it.

[/size]

[Cloud of Diamonds]

Oh...this was...disappointing, to say the least. To say the most would be to say she felt angry, betrayed, and confused.

The green-flecked, light brown gaze suddenly turned cold, the medicine cat's lips drawing back slightly in an unconscious snarl.

Her voice was cold as she mewed,

"I am disappointed. We have reviewed these herbs for months, and you are a capable learner, Finchpaw. I fail to understand why you have neglected your duties. If you needed assistance in the memorization you should have asked. And you of all cats should be able to identify these, you collected at least half of them!" She was so upset that she allowed a little anger to color her last sentence, but then closed her eyes and took deep breaths, trying to relax.

"One would think you did not want to be a medicine cat." The calico added in an even icier tone.

"Though I long to go back on my word and keep you here all day, I will still take you out for your lesson. However, from now on you will only get three days off a moon, maximum, and I expect you to try much harder than you have evidently been doing. Remember, Finchpaw, one day you will have to take my place; and I swear to StarClan that if you fail me, you will regret it. All of FogClan will regret it, come to that."

She knew she had been harsh, and she felt a little sorry...but not enough to apologize. Besides, he deserved it. What in StarClan had he been thinking? She couldn't even guess. However, now was the time to figure out what to do next. The FogClanner shuffled slightly, resettling herself on the herb-laden floor.

[Whiskers]

Finchpaw flinched. He had prepared himself for it but it had not mattered, for the words came with much more sting than he had expected. He wanted to say it was unfair. She had no right to lecture him like this, that he had been trying very hard and that of course he wanted to be a medicine cat! But even as he thought this-- no, recited this in his head, for these were practiced words-- he knew it was all a lie. He was a failure and he didn't want to be a medicine cat.

But he couldn't say that.

It was her last words that really hit home though. Finchpaw had known this simple fact from the start. When he had taken upon the position of medicine cat apprentice, he knew that this meant that, one day, he would truly hold the title of Fogclan medicine cat. It was a long day away though...always held in the distance, away from his mind's eye. He didn't want to think about it, because thinking about it meant almost...accepting his fate, stuck in the job he didn't want to be doing.

But he saw it was going to come quicker than he expected. Brightnose was a young she-cat, no doubt, but Finchpaw could no longer ignore what path he was set on. He had accepted this position, then neglected it. His clan would pay for it. Cats would die because of it. And though sometimes, Finchpaw thought of the medicine cat position as boring and the last thing he wanted to do, he knew deep down that it was extremely important. Frostpaw didn't respect it...but he definitely did.

And so...well he did need to get serious. He needed to stop pining after the forest and he needed to force himself to learn his herbs.

"No..." Finchpaw murmured, and then he spoke louder. "Your offer...is too generous. So no thank you. We can go out another time. But you are right...and I should learn my herbs. I owe my clan more than what I have been giving and... I owe you more too. I apologize." And his apology was actually sincere, though he rather hated himself for turning down the chance to go hunting or fighting.

[/size]

[Cloud of Diamonds]

This was slightly surprising...but very, very welcome. She was reassured by the humility and sincerity he was displaying. The calico had half expected her apprentice to fight back.

Adopting a more relaxed but still confident pose, the medicine cat appraised the tom in front of her with calculating hazel eyes.

"Are you sure, Finchpaw? You actually do need one, and I would be a negligent mentor were I to delay a part of your training. Still, we can postpone it if you wish. I accept your apology and appreciate your realization of what you need to do. Now, as it is apparent after what happened, we need to review."

Strectching out her left arm, she put a paw over a clump of purplish berries. "Juniper. We use them for bellyaches and to ease coughs."

Brightnose lifted her paw and set it down again on a plant that looked like a green plume. "Horsetail. Good for infected wounds, and often used with marigold in poultices."

She paused a moment as a thought occurred to her. "I do not wish to embarrass you, this is simply to check. What other herbs you remember the appearances or uses of?"

The tricolored she-cat puzzled over how Finchpaw might have become so distracted as she waited for him to respond...had she not given him enough opportunities to do other things, extend his reach? Was it actually her fault? No....obviously he had concrete blame on him, for a number of reasons, chief among was that he should have asked her for help. True, it would be slightly embarrassing for him, but it was his job. He had even been chosen for it, according to Rowanheart. "StarClan has destined my son to be a medicine cat." She could remember it clear as day.

While she'd never received a sign that he truly was chosen by StarClan, she'd trusted Rowanheart's judgment. Had that been a mistake? Had Rowanheart, wanting the best for his kit, actually overlooked what Finchpaw really wanted? After all, he was mistreating his own apprentice...or had there been another motive to his offer?

She shook her head, eyes troubled at her own thoughts. It was probably nothing. Still, the feeling that she was missing something persisted in some corner of her mind.

[Whiskers]

Finchpaw was starting to understand Brightnose. He was hesitant to say that he liked her... because there were moments that he couldn't stand her, moments which involved the vision of him drawing pretty pictures on her face with his claws. But as he spent more and more time in the den, he was reluctant to say that they were not all that different. She was colder than him, more calculative and hardly invested in anything emotionally. But he suspected that she was like him in the respect that she could hide those emotions very well. Rarely were cats actually completely detached like that. But that was just his theory.

He was glad, however, that she was "emotionally detached" now. Her disappointment, her anger, it hadn't lasted long. And Finchpaw was happy that he wouldn't have to sit through more lectures, which would only invoke more guilt. Now all he had to do was try and redeem himself from his failures.

How could he do that?

Finchpaw blinked down at the unmoving herbs. He could pinpoint where he had found every single one. Like with those darn juniper berries-- he knew where they were, because he had used them as an excuse the first time he was seen with Frostpaw.

And those herbs, by his paw. He stared at them, trying to summon the name, but finding it impossible. He did know, however, that they were located near an especially tall tree. He had walked by it while he was with Frostpaw another time.

And in their most recent meeting... the autumn leaves had covered most of the ground and most of the herbs had been shriveled up, killed by the relentless leaf-bare. But he knew that he had seen a few of that type of leaf (he pointed at it mentally, in his mind), when he had been trying to catch the squirrel.

Finchpaw chuckled at himself. Maybe he should just take Frostpaw along with him every time he went herb hunting, since meetings with her were usually very vivid in his mind. He would never forget where a herb grew then. But even if he memorized the whole forest, he still needed names. Maybe, just maybe, Brightnose would find this as amusing as he did.

"Weeeell," he started, very childishly, with a chuckle still on his lips. "I can tell you where they are in the forest. I might even be able to identify some uses...but their names? Hmm, those names have escaped me, I'm afraid. And really, they aren't very hard to memorize," his last comment was directed only to himself, as he winced at his laziness.

"But I think...that right there is dock?" Finchpaw asked Brightnose for confirmation with his gaze as his paw touched the leaf lightly. "And I recognize that as feverfew."

At least he had tried.

[/size]