This is a public service announcement.

[glowlynose]

It should be no mystery to anyone that these times are dark times. With each passing day, Sauron’s power grows stronger, his list of allies greater, and his influence in Middle Earth is extending beyond the borders of Mordor, Gondor, and Rohan. Marauding bands of orcs and, far worse, Uruk-hai, wander the lands, always searching for ways to create more chaos. It is important to know how to defend yourself from these mobs of evil, unless, of course, you prefer death. Then this is not important to you. However, if it is high on your list of priorities to live, here are some steps you can follow to make sure that you never die at the hands of an orc.

Sooo...

How to Survive in Middle Earth: Orc Edition

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1. Carry your handy-dandy Orc Detection Device (ODD) at all times. Remember to check it frequently, even in the comfort of your own home.

2. Know how to use a weapon, or how to convert an every day item into a weapon. Cooking pans work particularly well if you have the gall to pick one up and smack it against an orc’s skull.

3. In the case that you are fortunate enough to carry a real weapon, like a sword or a bow, know how to use it to defend yourself as well as attack. Defensive fighting is an important skill to master when trying to stay alive.

4. Travel in a group. An orc is far less likely to attack a scary band of people than it is to attack a scared person.

5. If you spot an orc, do not engage it in battle or exhibit any threatening behaviors. Remember, orcs are highly confrontational creatures. It is wise to avoid antagonizing one.

6. On that note, it is wise to avoid any contact with orcs, just as a general rule. If you see an orc and you are not confident that you would win in a fight, hide.

7. If you are hiding from an orc, avoid making any loud noises or sudden movements. That will draw the orc to you.

8. Choose a defensible hiding spot, preferably one that the orc could not take advantage of by trapping you. Trees, for instance, work well, since you can just stab downward at random until you hit the thing.

9. Above all, remain calm. Orcs can smell fear. The best way to make sure that an orc does not find your hiding spot is to remain calm. Think of something that makes you happy instead of concentrating on your possible impending doom.

Have a nice day. :3
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