a big hunk of irrevocable nothing [BrightxFinch]

[Whiskers]

Brightnose stirred-- no, she did not actually move, but something inside of her did. A second ago she had been tired, sullen and Finchpaw had feared that he had killed a part of her that would never come back.

Clearly that was wrong.

Brightnose emerged again, the attitude of the mentor Finchpaw knew becoming more and more apparent the longer she talked. Finchpaw might have hurt her, but she was not broken and no splint had to be made; he did not have to hold his mentor together and wait for the pieces to dry into place. She was there, bruised, maybe bloodied, but there. And Finchpaw was very, very glad.

This appalled him. Appalled-- was that the right word? Or, maybe, surprised? Finchpaw did not quite know why he was happy to see his mentor back, why he suddenly realized that he liked this cat. That made no sense at all. Didn't he just get through yelling at her? Despite the fact he was stressed, he had still felt some of those things he had said. He did believe that Brightnose lacked empathy and her job as medicine cat suffered for it and he thought she could be annoyingly emotionless at times. So why, all of the sudden, was he happy to see this cat reemerging?

You've obviously grow fond of her, Finchpaw realized in horror. How did that happen?

However, his feelings rapidly changed as he heard what Brightnose actually had to say. And for once, she had his undivided attention. He heard every word and he retained their meaning.

And her words worked-- they made him smirk a little, somewhat sadly, but they also made him feel better. And that was an accomplishment for Brightnose.

"I..." he began and then stopped when he found himself wordless. This phenomenon ended quickly though and he felt a need to defend his brother, though Brightnose was right-- it really wasn't his fault (or was it?) and he wasn't doing anything wrong by talking to Frostpaw. But then, he wanted to defend Frostpaw too. And to defend one was to put down the other... no. Not necessarily.

"I don't like Frostpaw better-- I mean," Another falter in his speech. What did he mean? "I like her...I do. A lot. She's open and honest and very kind, if you don't act like a mousebrained kit, the smirk on his lips grew into a smile. "But she's not better than my brother. She's just different. I don't-- I can't-- like either one more than the other. I love them both."

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[Cloud of Diamonds]

Brightnose was slightly astonished, but managed to conclude that his liking them both equally was perfectly logical. She knew neither of them well - about the only cat she knew at all was Finchpaw, really, which now that she thought about it was somewhat sad - so she might as well take his word for it. Loving one's family was something that had always puzzled her - and even more so now. How could Finchpaw love Firepaw when the ginger tom had just hurt him like this? Pain...caused by his brother. Just like Sefri had done to her. She could had never loved the black and white she-cat after that. But then, she had never been meant for the life of a kittypet - her belonging in FogClan showed that. And it was then she actually acknowledged that she had a place had in the Clan. And Finchpaw - her odd, inexplicable linking for him - was a tiny bit explained. It was linked to why she liked her home.

The Frostpaw matter...she smiled slightly at how silly it sounded. The Frostpaw matter.

"Well, if I were emotional I would disbelieve you, but being logical I can only accept your words as truth, considering I have only seen cats act one way, which indeed could be called mouse-brained, to Frostpaw. Still, I suppose she'll always hate me. Ah well." The calico yawned. Truth be told, she cared little about the opinion of Frostpaw. As long as Finchpaw wasn't getting metaphorically ripped to pieces by her, (for some strange reason) their relationship was fine with the calico.

"I see...logically it seems best for them to talk to each other, but I doubt that will ever happen." The calico opened her mouth...but not to yawn. To...laugh. To laugh. To laugh.

And then stopped midway because she was so surprised. Was she truly so changed? Had pain...had the fierce pain that had broken her so...made her...whole again? Somehow? She searched herself. Yes, she felt pain...and shame and anger at herself...but she was healing. Restoring. She was not altogether different, nor did she want to be. But she was...altered. In ways she did not even fully know, yet.

So a small smile graced her lips.

"I think that's best, Finchpaw. I may not understand it fully, perhaps I never will, but I know enough to accept it and not dissect further." She sighed, remembering she would have done so. Would have spent hours wondering and sneering at foolish love and affection. Would've worked out whether his relationships with them would hurt her or help her.

But not now.

[Whiskers]

Overall, he felt relieved. Relieved that his mentor no longer looked like he had ripped out her heart with his teeth, relieved that she had not gone crazy when she had heard it had been Firepaw to attack her apprentice. And yes, relieved even when she seemed to have absolutely no problem with his friendship with Frostpaw. True, there were several things that rubbed him the wrong way-- the way she still was referring to herself as "logical," the way she was still looking down on those who were, well, not logical. She was rapidly and unrealistically recovering, reverting to her old ways. He knew that this recovery he was seeing was not real; if it was, then she really was an unfeeling shell of a cat. He could only hope that she was just hiding her weakness inside, trying not to show the more vulnerable side to him yet again.

It was that reason that Finchpaw was gentle with her and decided that he was relieved, not annoyed, happy, not disappointed. He let these positive feelings fill him all the way up, until he softly purred his content.

The other comment did not relieve him, but it did not upset him, by no means-- it intrigued him. The idea of Firepaw and Frostpaw talking. AT first, he wanted to snort. It was a ridiculous idea, but...but it might solve many problems. True, right now, Firepaw would not even talk to him, but perhaps...if Firepaw decided to forgive him (eventually? maybe?), then he could try to get them together to just converse. He wanted nothing more than he wanted the two of them to get along. He had told Brightnose the truth when he said he could not choose one or the other, when he stated, quite simply, that he loved them both. In different ways, yes. But he felt strong affection and devotion to both. He would probably throw himself under a monster for Firepaw or Frostpaw.

He would have to make that seemingly impossible event happen.

With that idea pocketed in the back of his head, Finchpaw turned back to his mentor. "Y'know..." he said quietly, "Frostpaw could like you-- it's not the medicine cat she hates, it's just... their ways, I suppose. You've never actually talked to her so she may just like you yet."

He doubted it, of course. But he'd rather have Frostpaw get along with all the cats in his life.

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[Cloud of Diamonds]

And this time she did laugh. A bitter, self-mocking laugh. An almost insane laugh.

The tower that was her mind broke again, when the new foundations had barely been laid.

There was madness in her hazel eyes now, and it seemed freakish, alien there. An invasive force that sought to take the she-cat over and she was letting it. Why not go mad? Why fight? What use were questions and wondering and healing and knowledge? There was only pain. There was only truth. There was only living with what she had done, for the rest of her life.

And Frostpaw ever liking her was impossible. No one had ever liked her. The only cat who'd ever put up with her was Finchpaw. And only because he had to. Only because he'd been noble enough to want to be a medicine cat - and had only had her for a mentor. Poor tom. He deserved better.

"You really believe that? You think that any cat, however deluded, or stupid, or even if they were normal, could ever LIKE me? I do not. I don't even like myself. My family never liked me. I never liked them. I'm just cold, Finchpaw, cold like ice that never melts. It's impossible."

She demanded of him, raged at him, dared him to answer. But the calico knew he could not. What was there to say? It was the truth. At least, she thought, she knew it now. Ah, StarClan. How long they must have waited for her to see. How merciful not to say it themselves. Instead they let her apprentice awaken her. They must have not wanted to cause their faithful follower pain.

Instead channeling it through a living cat and making it, perhaps, a little less harsh.

The tricolored cat huddled down, madness-glazed eyes still open, waiting for a reply that she was certain would not come.

[Whiskers]

Finchpaw started at the sudden shift in the air, in his mentor. The whole den seemed to move, and he felt as though he had blinked and missed something important. Because one moment, they had been fine. It was calm, a sad calm, but a welcomed calm nonetheless. Now that was shattered and Brightnose was upset again and he did not think it was fault, but at the same time, he had a sneaking, growing suspicion that it had to be, because he was talented at upsetting her.

Part of him felt very annoyed and, more than anything, exhausted with this and with Brightnose. But mostly with...this, this being everything that was in this den and this clan and this situation. He wanted to close his eyes and give up, say "You win. Take whatever you want." But he couldn't give up now. He couldn't give in to his fatigue. Because, and this was ironic, Brightnose needed his strength.

So he did not give up on her, nor did he scoff or brush off her comments as though they were just silly cries for attention. He readjusted his perception, picked up his spirit and put himself in Brightnose's fur.

He had recently told her that she was an unfeeling, uncaring cat. Though she had regained her composure fairly quickly, she was not healed. Her wound still needed tending. He had to appeal to her logical side while being emotive in order to communicate anything to her. This would be a tricky deal, but he was known for his perfect sense of balance, which did not apply just to his hunting crouch.

It was time to put that skill to the test. Finchpaw got up and approached his mentor, but he did not touch her. He sat down again next to her, letting his very presence speak to her.

"Brightnose," Finchpaw started with a slight admonishing tone, and a snort. "Look at you-- you're upset," now he almost purred-- which was strange, as one would think he was mocking her. He was not. "That proves that you aren't "ice." You are far from ice."

There was the logic portion. She could not deny that, right now, she was being quite emotional. She'd probably scold herself, knowing Brightnose. He'd have to gently teach her to accept emotions as normal and healthy.

"And I don't like my family, if that makes you feel any better. Doesn't mean I don't love them though. And...if it's any consolation, I like you. And I think others would too if you just let them."

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[Cloud of Diamonds]

A single look that constrained the rawness of a mind wrenched open gazed at him.

And found itself filled with rage - at the cat it commanded. Ice. If only. If only she were ice that could take anything and simply absorb it like it was nothing. But, unfortunately, he was right. Again. Why did he always have to be right? She would have hated that - if all her hate hadn't been focused at herself. While this was not pleasant, hate was something she knew. Something familiar. An old hiding place she could retreat to, until she needed to come out again to face the newness of the way things were, which frightened her.

This time, she was not her own brightness to see the future. She depended upon another, who tore her and made her again and broke things down and tried to fix them.

Never had she felt so strongly about a single cat.

Part of her hated him. Part of her feared him. Part of her wanted to fight him. Part of her wanted to grovel at his paws, begging him to teach her how to be better.

And part of her...the medicine cat frowned. What was this part? It had come to her like a thief in the night; snuck in unseen, taken up residence, made its own way in this dark mind somehow...

Affection.

Alien to the she-cat except from her earliest days, when she was a mere kit and did not know right or wrong, difference and similarity. When she had only known dependence and soft, warm fur that she had loved, for so short a time, until she broke from the cats who did not welcome her questions. So soon had she forgotten what it was like. So long had it been, until now, that she realized that despite all her efforts it had gotten in like a parasitic insect.

She wasn't sure whether this was good or bad. Or whether she even knew what those were anymore. Did right and wrong exist only in the mind, and all acts only became something when they were judged, and not because of their inherent nature?

Fascinating questions. But she had to answer Finchpaw.

She gulped, like one surfacing from a river, and replied a constricted voice: "...Yes. Right again." As if she'd known all along. Of course she hadn't. She was just trying, trying not to let that terrible madness enter her mind again.

But his next words truly made her wonder. It was a concept she had never even considered.

"...not like but still love? But liking comes before loving...before you can...know..." and she trailed off again. His last sentence held such a promise of hope - but were so alien and so delicate she hardly dared believe them.

The calico could not smile, but she sighed in relief. Why, she did not know. This was strange, unusual. Almost frightening. She had no idea why it had happened. Or even how. A fleeting notion that he could be lying crossed her mind, but that was too depressing for even her to contemplate. So she had no choice but to accept his words.

Thank you, StarClan. For not letting me go insane. At least, not yet.

[Whiskers]

Finchpaw looked down at his mentor and slowly, compassion filled him like water filling a pool. Pity came along with it, but he tried, desperately tried not to feel it, not to...look it. He shut his eyes to hide this pity he felt for his mentor. Because she didn't understand, did she? She didn't understand love. She didn't understand affection.

Then again, it wasn't that she didn't understand it, as he too, did not fully understand love or affection-- no one could truly. It was that she hadn't felt it. At all. Ever. Or if she had, then she had shoved it away in a place where she could not see it again, and so now, when she was presented with the idea of love and like, she was bewildered and confused. They weren't natural the way they were to Finchpaw. He knew the difference between like and love easily. He could sort between the two. She could not.

"Liking and loving are completely separate...to me," he added as an afterthought, since he figured others might think differently. His opinion was just that after all. "One can lead to another one of course but they can exist separately. I've found that "liking" is something you acquire, while love is more innate. But there are different types of love--" he stopped abruptly.

Brightnose had not asked for an extensive lesson on love and he was no expert on it. He knew nothing of the 'other' types of love. All he knew was the love he felt for his brother and father, and so if he kept talking, he'd embarrass himself, or end up talking to himself and not to Brightnose.

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[Cloud of Diamonds]

In another time, and perhaps even now, the calico would have shook her head in scorn and looked away. Before it would have only been with light contempt and arrogance. Now it was with shame and hesitant curiosity, both of which she wanted to hide.

So she did look away, but peeked back at her apprentice's face, before looking in the opposite direction again, to think.

Apart, then. Maybe he was right. After all, she might as well listen to him as to anyone on these matters - it was an area she knew so little of. With good reason, she added, defending herself. The best of reasons. Protection from pain. And look, she thought angrily, hasn't this all shown that emotions cause only pain? Pain, fear, anger. Horrible things. There was no goodness in feeling - well, perhaps, but it was stark, unforgiving goodness - justice, one would call it. Feelings were there as the source of logic, she decided. Because, she now realized, logic cannot exist if there is nothing to use it on. So, fear and hate them she did, but now the medicine cat reluctantly acknowledged their place in the balance.

And thus did she turn back to the ginger tabby and white tom with a hungry, longing expression on her face.

"Tell me more."

For once, her reply was short and simple. But it was true. If she was to learn to coexist and deal with these dangerous things, and this, this - love, was so strong, she had to know everything there was to know.

And though she did not admit it to herself, Brightnose wanted to remember what she had lost, long ago.

[Whiskers]

Once again, the inexplicable urge to laugh overtook Finchpaw and the chuckles nearly strangled him as he tried not to let Brightnose see that he was amused. She wasn't amused, so she would probably either think he was crazy or laughing at her. And in a way, he was. Though it was more the situation, than Brightnose...because this whole interaction, the entire conversation, was ridiculous and...and... ironic. That was the word he was looking for. It was the irony that made him want to laugh. When would Brightnose stop taking his role as the student? When would he step down from the role of teacher? Or was this what their relationship was destined to be?

There is always something to learn though, no matter how old you are and if you're a mentor or an apprentice, Finchpaw thought to himself, slowly coming to terms with the fact that him and Brightnose would never have a simple mentorship. He would always fight with her, he figured, and he would always have to pick her back up again and watch her learn from her mistakes, mostly dealing with her ego. Meanwhile, he'd continue to fail at herb-memorization and healing skills, until Brightnose swooped in and showed him (for the umpteenth time) how it was done correctly.

They were a good team. Sort of. In this dysfunctional way, with one always snapping at the other, lies thick in between any real connection. But maybe the deceit and the fighting made them both better medicine cats...but probably not.

But now it was his turn. Time for him to teach Brightnose the fundamentals of...love. The idea immediately scared him and Finchpaw wanted to retire from the post of mentor. How should he know what love was, how it worked, when it worked, when it didn't? He was warrior-age now, sure, but he had no experience with many types of love. All he knew was the love he felt for his father and brother and the type of love (he squirmed, he didn't like calling it that) he felt for Frostpaw. But he couldn't explain it, couldn't put it into words.

"I...really can't, Brightnose. I'm sorry, I'm just not experienced in that sort of matter. I know that love can be romantic or simply friendly but I wouldn't know how to describe it or where to begin," Finchpaw replied after a period of silence, where he has squirmed and struggled with his own thoughts. "My dad just told me that you know love when you feel it and when you do feel it, there isn't anything complicated about it. You know what you have to do."

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[Cloud of Diamonds]

Her face fell with the first sadness it had shown in moons, hope turning to disappointment, helplessness returning. But no. She would be strong. She would fight. If he could not tell her, she would figure it out herself. Then a voice laughed at her. Who was she kidding? She knew nothing of love. Nothing. Vague memories could only take her so far. No, she argued back. Perhaps I know nothing of love, but I know of knowing, so I can figure out how to know love.

It won't be enough, the voice continued coldly. To completely know it as a true executive should, you must have instruction, however crude. So do not let your pride swallow you up this time, Sunny.

She loathed the sound of her old kittypet name and now hated this voice as much as she hated stupidity. The Rebel, she named it. Naming it seemed to be able to help her fight it.

And now to reply to her apprentice.

"Perhaps that is true. You know better than I. But if you cannot educate me, then inform me indirectly of what you know, which will be as much of a substitute as I can garner for solid fact." She took a deep breath. This would be without question the dumbest thing she had ever done. It was also the most necessary and would probably save her life. Well, no. But hopefully it would prove to be useful.

"If you cannot break it down, then reveal it in its whole form, and you need not go into detail. Just tell me stories, Finchpaw. Stories that in some small way relate to love. I cannot believe I'm asking this, and I beg your forgiveness, but I must know. Things are changing and I must learn or fall behind. And I do not intend to fall behind."

She looked down, embarrassed but determined. Surely he must agree. She must try and get him to. She had to know, and Finchpaw was the only one who could teach her. As this thought occurred, the medicine cat added,

"For remember, no one else can aid me. I do not mean this as a threat, please do not take it as such, but this is what I have to do, no matter how stupid it may seem."