[ the forgotten willow & the lost dove ] PRIVATE

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It was dry and cold, the bone-chilling wind nearly freezing Willowpaw solid in his trembling steps. The grass was dead and brown, as if diseased-- rotting from the frost that bit at his paw pads. Even the sky seemed out of place, not a single cloud in the dawn above. Yet here he was, in this horrid weather with one thought on his mind: will they notice?.

One step, two steps-- he urged himself to further and further. He told himself, just one more time, but he found himself only moving away from the ranch, not toward it. He should stop-- he should wait. No, he should turn back! He was being foolish again. Of course they would come and find him, right? There was no need to test them, of all the idiotic things to do.

...Right?

Sometimes... sometimes he wondered. Would they care? Would they notice? Would they try? It was hard for him to know these things. He hardly ever talked to anyone. He barely knew his own clanmates, for stars sakes! How could he know if he didn't test?

...Did that make him a bad person? Did that make him selfish? Probably. But there was always excuses. I got lost or I was hunting and I couldn't find my way back. They would believe him, because they didn't know him. Who would suspect that the tiny, stuttering tom was capable of these things?

Absolutely no one.

Because no one wants to know, Willowpaw thought bitterly, trudging on. No ever does, and without another thought, he ran, paws thudding loudly against the cold earth. He didn't know where he was going. All he knew was that he needed to get away-- just for a moment. Leaving the clan had drained him of his tolerance for his fellow followers. He just needed a breather, and he would be back before they knew he was gone.

Suddenly, a figure up ahead. White, she-cat... and FogClanner.

He skidded to a halt, green eyes wide and silver fur fluffing out in alarm. How could he have not noticed them? How?

Then again, he could use Dovepaw's company. She wouldn't hurt him, would she? He didn't know, but it was time for another test...

"D-Dovepaw?"

[glowlynose]

Dovepaw's journey had started early in the morning, before any of her clanmates had arisen. It was unlikely that she would be missed. Nobody had spoken to her since her public confession a moon-and-a-half ago. She had no mentor. Her only duty was to remain in camp and do whatever a passing warrior bid her to do, if they remembered she existed. Well, she was sick of it. She wasn't running away- no, they'd find her and kill her, or add to her lovely collection of scars- she was just escaping for a little while. This way she could hunt for herself and not be punished for it. The only thing she would have to confess this time was leaving camp. Smiling bitterly, she could practically envision the scene if she closed her eyes.

There she was, standing before the camp. Tawnywhisker's eyes were trying to burn holes through her skull, like they had been trying to do for a long time. They would still be failing, as they always had done and always would. She was stronger than that sorry, groveling, sycophantic excuse for a warrior ever would be. And as she stood there under the examination of the whole clan, her voice would ring out strong and clear, like always.

"What is your crime, Dovepaw?"

"I have committed no crime. I simply went for an early morning stroll unaccompanied."

"You went without a warrior."

"None were awake."

"Why did you not wake one?"

"To humor my passing fancy? No. It would not have been right."

No matter how strong her voice was, though, nobody ever truly heard her. So she was forced to continue her confessions. She doubted if anybody would ever hear her. Even Frostpaw seemed not to notice her actions. She would have thought that Frostpaw would have noticed more than anybody else, but Dovepaw was still as isolated as ever.

"I'm just a little island. Nobody ever visits it. Probably because they're too scared to get there," she muttered to herself, whacking a small pebble with her front paw. Then out of the blue, a voice appeared on her little island, and it wasn't a voice that belonged to her. Was somebody... was somebody actually talking to her? Were they wading the waters and stepping on all the sharp rocks and shards of glass that had mentally formed a barrier between her and the rest of the world since Mousenose had left? Was somebody willing to crawl through her walls of bitterness and fear until they found her... whatever was left in there? Unbidden, a smile rose to her face, her first smile in moons. Already she could feel a small ray of happiness disintegrating the small chunk of her wall that had fallen.

Maybe she was overreacting, though. After all, all the voice said was her name. She should probably see who it belonged to before she made any decisions. Ah, it was Willowpaw. She wished that she had been able to make the same decision he had. But no, she was too much of a coward.

"Hello there, Willowpaw. Uh... how are you?" Dovepaw was not entirely sure what to say to this tom she had barely spoken to before. Granted, she had never really been the talkative type, since nobody wanted to talk to her. So that might account for some of the awkwardness she was feeling. It was strange what a month and a half of virtual silence did to your conversational skills.

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A flicker of joy passed through Willowpaw. She knew his name. She remembered him. She even asked how he was doing! Not even Owlstar's followers had done this. Sure, a nod to him as they went out to hunt, or maybe a glance in his direction. But they had nothing on Dovepaw, no matter how awkward it was at the moment.

It was admittedly scary.

And alien.

The smile left his maw and his tail drooped. Why can't the others be like this?

"I-I'm... o-okay," he said quietly, looking numbly at the ground. "Ho-How is F-FogClan?" Willowpaw added, then frowned. Why should he care about them? They were the ones who went on a StarClan obsession and pushed Owlstar, him, and the others out of their home.

But Dovepaw wasn't like that. She wasn't.

"How are you?" He said smoothly, tone laced with worry as he raised his gaze to meet the she-cat's. "Are you alright, Dovepaw?"

[glowlynose]

Dovepaw spat crossly on the ground. Why did he have to bring up FogClan? She was out here to escape from her clan, not talk about them! She looked down so Willowpaw would not see the angry flash in her eyes. He would think it was meant for him, but Dovepaw was angry with her clanmates, not this poor, sensitive apprentice. If he saw her anger, he was likely to run away. That would be tragic. This was the first contact she'd had with anybody in moons. If she ruined it...

"How's FogClan? Pah!" she mumbled. "It's barely deserving of the name anymore. Mistpelt has taken over everything. If anybody breaks one of her rules, they have to give a 'public confession' in front of everybody, asking for their forgiveness and the forgiveness of StarClan. Every time I do anything, it seems, I've got to confess. I'm getting sick of it.

"Oh, and Mistpelt has assembled a council of 'Elite' warriors to be her advisers. Rowanheart is on there, same as Volepelt. Tawnywhisker should be granted access soon." Dovepaw's disdain for the warriors was apparent in the way she bit out their names, almost as if she would have liked to bite their heads off. Well... maybe not their heads. Maybe just an appendage or two.

The white she-cat was prepared to launch into a full tirade, when something caught her ears and her attention. Willowpaw asked how she was. Haha, he asked how she was doing! Nobody had... nobody had asked that since she had left the medicine den. Now she didn't feel so angry anymore. In fact, she felt... happy. Somebody cared. This cat she had not seen in moons actually cared about her!

"I'm... hah, I'm sick of FogClan, honestly. But I'm too stubborn to leave, I guess. Other than that, I guess I'm alrightish. It's hard when everybody hates you, but I'm managing, I guess." A thoughtful expression crossed her face.

"Willowpaw, when was the last time somebody asked you how you were really doing? Oh, and did you notice that you didn't stutter at all when you said that last thing?" Dovepaw smiled warmly, all her worries and cares temporarily pushed aside. She could worry about how she was purposefully demolishing her walls later. She could get mad at FogClan later. Now was the time for her to concentrate fully on Willowpaw and herself. When was the last time that had happened? When had she last chosen not to dwell on everything that was wrong in her life, if even fleetingly?

Mousenose had been the only one she'd been able to do that with. With him, she'd had no cares. Oh, how she missed him.

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His ears went back and his eyes widened in horror. FogClan had gone to the dogs! Willowpaw was suddenly a lot more thankful that he had left when he had, but... what about Dovepaw? She shouldn't have to deal with them or their... their stupidity!

"I can't believe-- how could they--!" Willowpaw stopped his senseless babble there, suddenly feeling self-conscious. He wasn't one to be bold. In fact, the last time he had been bold was when he had told FogClan off before leaving. But...

"You should leave," Willowpaw continued, shuffling. "They don't deserve you. They're just... just a bunch of mangy rats!"

And what he said was true. Dovepaw... she was the first cat to care in so long. The only one who ever cared was his dad, and he had been dead for moons. But just one meeting, and now... everything seemed a lot brighter than before.

But name calling wasn't helping her situation.

"S-sorry!" He blurted, looking everywhere but Dovepaw. "I didn't--"

"Willowpaw, when was the last time somebody asked you how you were really doing? Oh, and did you notice that you didn't stutter at all when you said that last thing?"

He sputtered, his face warming at Dovepaw's words. "I-- no... no I d-didn't." He felt like smacking himself. Once again with the stuttering? He'd have to kick that nasty habit if he ever wanted to make friends...

"...Nobody has cared to ask me..." he murmured, pawing gently at a dying daisy. "...Not since Snow-whisker died."

[glowlynose]

Dovepaw wasn't exactly sure what to think of Willowpaw's strong reaction. FogClan didn't deserve her? What in the blazes was he talking about? She was a disgusting, lower than dirt, sinner. She'd abandoned her siblings after abandoning her parents, and for what? For her stupid little kit games. For an adventure. How much more would she be capable of now, as an adult cat, than she was back then? How much more pain could she inflict? How much greater might her powers of breaking lives, breaking hearts, breaking souls now be? No. Willowpaw was wrong. She deserved to be persecuted in FogClan. Maybe she could eventually redeem herself if she endured more pain. But she couldn't leave them. She'd already left behind one life, and look where that got her. Granted, nobody in FogClan would miss her much. Maybe she should run away...

"What do you mean they don't deserve me? I deserve to be punished. You never heard the story of what happened before I found FogClan, did you?" The sorrow in her voice would have pierced her family members to their cores. They would have felt the same sorrow, if they even recognized their lovely little daughter, their brave big sister. Dovepaw's shoulders shook as she looked down at the ground. That was where she belonged, in the ground. She wasn't worth the dirt stuck between her paw pads.

Liar. Sinner. Betrayer.

"Sorry? Don't be sorry. Why are you apologizing? You didn't offend me." Dovepaw smiled weakly at the tom, crossing the FogClan border now. Even if she went back, she could at least remember the feel of free soil beneath her pawpads. She could sit with her new friend for a while on his land.

"Oh, Willowpaw," she murmured, feeling an intense pity for the gray tom, but it was a strange pity. It was the kind of pity that said "Hey, I've been there too. I'm sorry you're hurting like I did."

"It's okay. I've lost somebody too. Except it was my fault. All my fault."

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"What do you mean they don't deserve me? I deserve to be punished. You never heard the story of what happened before I found FogClan, did you?"

Ruffled, Willowpaw looked at her with an fierce expression. "It doesn't matter what happened before!" He protested, taking a step toward her. "It doesn't, because I barely even know you, yet you're here with me and wondering if I'm okay," his voice cracked at the end, but he swallowed thickly, mouth suddenly dry as cotton.

"To me, you're nice. To me, you're worth more than anybody else," he admitted, shoulders squaring. "You cared enough to ask..." A quiet whisper, then the fire came back, bright in his green eyes.

"If someone deserves to be punished, you're... y-you're..." No, no, no. Don't break down now, Willowpaw. Don't break down.

But no matter how hard the little tom tried, his sensitivity won that battle, and Dovepaw's next words fell on deaf ears.

"Y-you're th-the l-last c-cat t-that s-should b-be," he said, voice wavering violently with ever jerky word. "Y-you d-don't l-look a-at me like I-I'm wor-worth-thless o-or a f-freak. Y-you d-don't j-judge m-me. Y-you... y-you look a-at me l-like m-my D-daddy d-did whe-whenever I g-got h-hurt. Y-you understand!" Willowpaw looked down in shame, then shut his eyes, ears pressing against his head.

"Y-you d-deserve h-happiness th-the most. I w-want t-that f-for y-you, e-ev...e-even i-if I d-don't r-really know y-you!"

[glowlynose]

Dovepaw's heart went out to this poor, sensitive, quaking apprentice. Something about his words touched her. She felt like an older sister again. Willowaw needed comfort; she would give it to him. Willowpaw needed a friend; she would be his friend. Willowpaw needed to be shown that he had a beautiful soul and that he was cared about; she would try and show him. After all, she owed this cat everything. He had brought her out of the pit she hadn't known she'd fallen in to.

"Oh, Willowpaw," she choked, her voice thick with emotion. For the first time in a long time, fer feelings were shown on her face. Empathy glimmered in her eyes, determination was visible in the firm set of her jaw, and it was obvious that she would stop at nothing to protect this stammering tom.

"We're entirely too similar for me to think you're worthless or a freak. And whoever made you feel that way needs to get a new set of eyes. Maybe then they could see you the way I do." She paused to take a breath and gather her thoughts before continuing.

"You are a strong, courageous cat. It doesn't matter to me that you stutter when you get emotional. We all do something when we get that way. Me, I usually try to hide it." She smiled ruefully, shaking her head. What a different cat she was now, and all because of him.

"Not around you, though. It's different with you. I don't know why, maybe because we're so similar. We've both been broken by the way we've been treated. Our lives have both been touched by loss. And that's okay, because," her voice broke, "B-because we're friends. And I'm never going to leave you. I don't care what anybody else says about you, because when I look at you, I see... I s-see me."

There. It didn't make a whole lot of sense, but it was true. Dovepaw padded over and sat next to Willowpaw, resting her head on his shoulder. "I'm here for you, Willowpaw. I don't want you to ever feel that way again. Was it crazy how quickly she'd made a connection with this cat? Maybe. But it was still a hundred percent authentic, and she could feel in her heart that it was right and good.

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His heart clenched at Dovepaw's words, and he made a wounded noise in the back of his throat. He wasn't strong, or courageous. He was just one big coward that turned tail and ran at the first sign of trouble. But she believed in him. She believed in him, of all the cats to compliment and--

Then she put her head and his shoulder, and he froze.

Nobody ever got close to him. Nobody. He hadn't had physical contact with another since his father's death. He was too afraid to let them get that close, paranoid that they would turn on him the second he did. But... this was different. This... was safe. Soothing, even, which was strange as it was foreign to Willowpaw.

"..When I was younger, I was careless and bold," He began suddenly, voice hoarse. "I was... rebellious, and I remember when I was kit, I told Owlstar no when she ordered me to go to back in the nursery. And... and then I ran all over camp to get away from her. My Dad was so mad at me," Willowpaw mused, the memory curling his maw in a sad smile.

"Do you really think I'm strong? I'm just.. so tiny," he gave a shaky purr, looking down at himself. "Nearly smaller than you, actually," Willowpaw added, leaning into Dovepaw slightly as he rambled on. "I feel intimidated!" He joked weakly.

A few moments of silence.

Then, "Thank you... for not running away."

And then came a realization that made that smile light his features up with a pleasant show of teeth and a touch of dimple-- an expression that hadn't been seen in countless moons.

He, Willowpaw, had a friend!

[glowlynose]

Dovepaw just sat there and listened to Willowpaw breathe as he told his story. It was strangely calming, hearing the air rushing in and out of his lungs combined with his voice. When he spoke, there was a low hum somewhere in his throat. She could just barely detect it, but it was there. Did that happen to everybody when they spoke? Was it natural, or was it something special about him?

A rumble of laughter awoke as Willowpaw recounted his early childhood. She could practically see a little rebellious ball of gray fluff with green eyes glaring up at Owlstar. She could hear the defiant "No!" She could see Owlstar chasing the little image of Willowpaw around FogClan's camp, and she wondered what happened to him. How disappointed his clanmates must have been when he'd lost that vigor and spunk.

"So what happened to that Willowpaw? Where's he hiding?" She took her head off his shoulder now, moving around so that she could face him. She saw the most remarkable thing. Willowpaw was smiling. He was honest to goodness smiling! She'd never seen him smile before. Then again, he'd never seen her smile either. But seeing him smile made her want to smile, so she smiled.

"Yes, I do think you're strong. You made the decision to leave, so things would be better for you. I was too weak to do that. I was too afraid, so I stayed behind. Now I wish I'd gone." She trailed off, a faraway look in her eyes. There was nothing she could do to get back those moons she'd spent in FogClan's camp, her spirit being sapped by the idiocy of her clanmates. She tried not to let them get to her, but sometimes it couldn't be helped.

Then he thanked her for not leaving. She couldn't believe it. Honestly, she was speechless for a while. "You... you're welcome. I dunno why I'd run away though. You're brave, but not scary." Dovepaw chuckled and stuck her tongue out at Willowpaw. She had to make sure that he knew she was just teasing him. You could never tell how some folks were gonna take stuff.

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