[ that diary ]

[Slug]

separation

I'm too tired to cry anymore. I just want to sleep and hope that when I wake up, the pain will be gone.

But it won't ever really go away, will it?

...No, of course not. It fades, and then it comes back worse than the last. My throat will tighten, my chest will burn... my heart will ache.

It's just that this time, I don't think it will fade.

...I don't think it will fade at all.

[Slug]

obedience

I want to scream until I can't. I want them to know how I feel.

But they expect different of me. Expect too much.

I can't do it for them. I can't be the one to struggle with the pieces and fumble with the glue. I can't.

But I do.

They expect things from me...

I don't want to lose them because I couldn't meet those expectations.

[Slug]

look

It's difficult for me to start conversations with "I had a bad day" or "I don't feel right."

I don't want to talk about my problems.

But I can write about them, because then I don't have to deal with people, or their pity.

And then there are some who come to me and ask "What's wrong?" and "How can I make it better?"

...They make my day noticeably better.

[Slug]

you-know-who

I don't know if she knows, but I think she should know.

There's not a lot to say, because words can't really describe it.

But she needs to know this. It's important.

Because friendship is a very important thing.

...

Thank you.

[Slug]

feels like hours

I'm a social creature at heart.

I love my friends, my family, and all the other people who make this world go round.

...But you'd think, with so many people, that I wouldn't be lonely.

Even if only for a second.

[Slug]

who's that?

There are days when I'm not myself. That I can't tell who that person is anymore.

That "me" line is always blurred, but sometimes it isn't.

Sometimes there isn't a line at all.

It's not a matter of personality, or how damaged my mind is.

It's all about self-understanding.

...

Sometimes I just really don't understand myself.

[Slug]

family

There are people here and off the computer that make me happy.

There are also people who do the opposite, but they're not important right now.

No, my family is important.

Family... is it really blood?

No.

...Is it friendship?

Yes.

I lost my blood family a long time ago. Or, to be more exact, I left them.

My older brother is the only one that is my real blood family. He's the one who was there for me, who makes me happy. He's the one who cares.

Not the others, though. Never them.

And then there are those who I can consider family that are not of my blood. Sisters and brothers... sons and daughters. They are mine. They're the ones who are there and make me happy. They're the ones who care. But are they blood? No. They're even better.

They're family.

[Slug]

heart of stone

There's this funny rock called a geode. It's round, nearly a sphere. But besides that, it looks like your average rock.

I know better, though.

You break it and there's crystals inside. Gorgeous blues and purples. Just gorgeous. It was a really pleasant surprise when my rock broke.

Kind of reminds me of Her.

[Slug]

Title: Dreamcatcher
Rating: PG-13
Cast: Stripes and Tobias (mentions of Cloudstar)
Summary: Tobias dies and so Stripes did the only thing he could do: kill.
A/N: I think it's really bittersweet. Hardy, don't kill me. ;~;

DREAMCATCHER

Stripes only sees red.

There's flashes of Tobias' limp body in his mind, the only lucid thoughts he has as tears apart something. Wet between his claws and bitter on his tongue, Stripes recognizes it as blood before a screech rings in his ears and he's off again, clawing and biting whatever-- whoever-- is in reach.

Stripes doesn't feel it when it happens.

The red disappears as darkness clouds his vision and the tabby kicks out and yowls at the floating abyss around him. He doesn't know where he is, just that they got away and-- no. No, no, no! He wanted Tobias, where was Tobias?

"Tobias!" Stripes called, voice hoarse. "Tobias!"

"I'm right here, rat..."

Stripes knows that voice.

"I can't see you," he twisted and turned, frantically searching for the cat behind those words-- for his friend. "Where are you?"

"Ssh," the voice soothes. "...Open your eyes."

Stripes awoke to the smell of hay and Tobias pressed close to his side, heart missing a beat when green eyes met his.

Without another thought Stripes curled his body tightly around Tobias, laying his head on the smaller tom's back as if to hide him.

There were no protests or angry snarls, but a sleepy sigh as Tobias realized that he would have to come up with another excuse to give Cloudstar for being gone again.

[Slug]

Title: Invincible
Rating: PG-13
Cast: Crowclaw (mentions of Sootclaw and Darkpaw)
Summary: Sometimes Crowclaw remembers.
A/N: Me, Pie, and Glowy were plotting for some Bearclaw/Crowclaw/Hawkheart and I got this idea...

INVINCIBLE

Crowclaw has those days where he just goes through the motions. When his heart and mind aren’t in it and he snaps back a retort purely on reflex. He doesn’t think about it. He doesn’t really feel the annoyance or the smirk on his face when the other cat flinches. He just does.

But sometimes, on a day like that, Crowclaw remembers.

It’s a quick realization, but he recognizes things. There’s a brief sense of knowing and shame at what he’s become. This is not who he is. No, this is him clinging to the past—to his brother. This is his denial that life can keep going without his brother. He knows better. He kn—

Crowclaw frowns, half listening to Darkpaw’s blabbing. What was that? There was something—

His chest was hurting. Huh. When did that happen?